Life is a Highway

Life is truly a highway. Today I feel as though I am broken down on the side of the road watching everything pass by me so fast. It is as though I am waving and no one is seeing me. The kids are rowdy. The car is acting up. And life, is just a beast acting on its own. And as I write this my youngest is using my shoulder as a punching bag while practicing karate moves. Sigh. Sometimes, I just want to get off at the next rest stop. And well, rest.

Summer Vacation = Blog Vacation

Hi there. It has been a while, but since I am stuck in Honda getting the oil changed and whatever else it is that they do for a Schedule B service check, I have access to either this computer or ESPN on the TV. Since the World's Cup is over, I have no interest in ESPN on this scorching hot morning, so I thought I would finally update my blog.

So much has changed since I was here last:
1. My little guy is in a theraputic camp for kids with Asperger's and ADHD and loves, loves, loves it. Though the meltdowns are fewer and further between, the exhaustion this week has brought on a few.

2. Minding my own business, an adjunct position at a local college found me and I will be working for real for the first time in 7 years starting in September. And what a cushy schedule I found! Monday, Wednesday, and Friday one class from 10-11 and one class from 1-2 with 2-3 office hours in between. I have plenty of time to lesson plan between the two classes and do any correcting in that same period of time. I am very excited.

3. We are spending this summer home and what a difference in my stress levels from last year.

4. Operation Health has been a slow success. I have lost about 30 pounds since January, with a bulk of it since May 19th. My clothes are swimming on me, which is a great feeling, but I need to finally go shopping because everything is soooo big! :)


So, that is all the exciting news. I wish that my little guy could go to camp longer this summer. They are really helping him and if you are in a similiar situation, I suggest you suss out a therapeutic camp if you can. This camp is super expensive, but when I tell you how happy he is and how much he has grown in one week, I can't say enough!

I will check in more frequently as the summer goes on. For now, I am signing off and hoping you enjoy the heat and remember that it will be snowing before we know it.

Part III, Day 8: Not beating self up

Well, it has been 4 days since I posted. I have no real reason, other than I have been overwhelmed with my son's end of the year. This child's routine has just been blown up. He is being kicked out of his school due to that nasty thing called Pre-K Graduation and he is being sent in September with most of his buddies to, gasp, the big school (which is technically the same school). On top of that, he was finished with school one week and one day before his sisters. Plus, Papa is on his first business trip in months.

This is now not a happy post, I am seeing only clouds to be honest. I am trying to be bubbly and happy. Instead, I am feeling retrospective and a bit blah.

Yesterday, was truly the icing on the cake. Upon arrival at a "play doctor" visit, Gregory decided he did not wish to enter the building. I admit it, I bribed him with McDonald's. Then it was a struggle and fight from the car all the way up three flights. Half way up I was wondering why I was doing this to myself. And to him. Though being thrashed, my own self was first. Horrid parent that I am. We finally made it all the way up, and he was like a limp octopus on the floor out side the door and coincidentally at the top of the staircase.

After much coaxing, we got him inside. Then he proceeded to hit me, bite me, pull my shirt, etc. It was horrible. And not foreign to me. As I looked at the doctor, I saw sympathy in her eyes. We left the appointment with him not wanting to leave. So I had the same issues in reverse. I am wondering if he is being let go though because she would not make the next appointment...though it was impossible with his behaviour at that point.

Grammie invited him to sleep over last night. I dropped him off with glee. I hope that he had a wonderful night. I know that I did. Exhaustion kind of does that.

For some reason in the midst of this altercation, this song was in my head...

Part III, Day 3: Blogger Lock Out

I have no idea what was going on yesterday, but once again, I could not edit my blog...

Part 3, Day 4: Getting ready

Today my little man graduated from Pre-School. Part of me is relieved. Part of me is happy. Part of me is sad. Soon gone will be the innocence of being a small boy, to be replaced, perhaps, by the cynicism of the day. Part of me wants to stop time and despite the constant meltdown, hold him in my arms and really enjoy this special bond we have. Yet, I know that let him grow I must for he is really eons ahead academically, he is just behind in the social relm. Funny, for parts of the year, I have been wishing for Kindergarten. Wishing to have some real time on my hands. Now, I want to turn back time and wish for more understanding and patience.

See, Gregory was not diagnosised until November, so I was having a wretched time trying to figure out what was going on. No one believed me that there was something a little bit off. He seems fine at first glance. It's the behind the scenes meltdowns and fits. It was the emotional baggage. It was the private beatings he was giving me. I felt so alone. No one, not even my husband, seemed to fully understand the stress and the emotions. It was a dark time. A long, and dark two years.

However, since diagnosis, we, as a family, have drawn together and are figuring out ways to help our little man become a big man. Our days are far from perfect, but there is sun shining on days when in the past there was nothing but darkness. Now I really want to absorb each moment. Gone are the feelings of just trying to survive.

So, as I look at the long summer ahead of us, I am looking at the fun we will have. The new adventures. The new friends. The new us.

Part III, Day 2: Down 10 pounds!

So, after less than one month with the nutrition doctor, I am down 10 pounds. It actually feels like more than it is because all of my clothes are hanging on me. Literally. It was pretty embarrassing the other day when my son pulled on my pants and they fell down! Thank God I caught them before mooning the entire mall!

I kind of feel like I should treat myself to something. But I have no idea what that would be! I will just have to sit and think about it.

Today was kind of exciting. I was a chaperon for my twins' homeroom on their field trip. We went to a battle ship in Quincy, MA. The USS Salem was huge! They loved seeing the brig, the hospital, and the ice cream area. It was a 6 year old's dream come true.

For some reason the movie Top Gun has been in my head ever since... so...

Part III, Day 1: A Week of Tragedy

I've been MIA for the past week, because with so many crazy things going on around me I could not bring myself to write about happiness while friends and family are crying in pain. Now that that horrible week is over, I shall continue this journey.

First, I would like to remember Blanca Gomez, a good friend's mother who was killed in Mexico in a horrible tragedy. Please keep her and the entire family in prayers, especially her husband, who was with her at the time. It's funny at times like these, the important minutea in your life suddenly seems minuscule and the important appears from the background to let you re-examine.

I have had so much to talk about this past week, but decided to keep quiet for the week out of respect for the family above and others we know going through very difficult times. It seems wrong to be sunny, when they are all so down. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, time does march on and new adventures and experiences pepper our lives.

My baby had Kindergarten orientation on Friday. How is it possible that he will be in Kindergarten next year? It seemed like these baby/toddler/preschool days would never end. Seven wonderful years are under our belts, yet in some part of my mind, I was convinced that the children would stay little just a smidge longer. Before we know it they will not want to spend time with us. I am trying not to think about it.

Saturday was a walk down memory lane. My eighth grade class had a 25th reunion! It was strange to see people I have not seen since I was 13. Furthermore, part of me returned to that awkward 13 year old when remeeting everyone. I left with a little sadness and as people are friending one another on FB a little more sadness. It is really nothing in the big scheme. I am having a wonderful life and do not need the approval of these people, but to see them treating me the same way is just stunning. There was one woman who turned her back to me three times! I was stunned to be honest. I remembered her at shy, not as bitchy. I guess life treats everyone not so nicely now and then.

Anyway, enough dwelling about that. The next day, Sunday, my husband and I met friends from our time in LA for lunch. It was great to just hang with people who never judged you with tween angst. They had their little one in tow and our three loved playing with her.

So though last week started sourly, it ended with excitement and joy. Hope the winds from the tornadoes last week took the strange air with it and that we can settle into a nice, fun, uneventful summer.

Part II, Day 35: Unofficial Beginning of Summer!

At long last Spring has found its way to New England! Yesterday and today have been gorgeous and we have been taking in outdoors. This morning hubby and I took our first hike of the season. It was so nice to be back on trails (though swatting away a million mosquitoes was not so fun).

After we picked up the children from my parents, we headed over to a friends' house to kick off the unofficial summer. (For Americans, Memorial Day Weekend is the start of the summer season...though the calendar disagrees.)

We had a relaxing time watching the kids. Wait, let me say that again, we had a relaxing time watching the kids. They had a ball swimming, catching slimy frogs, and hanging with their friends. This was the first party that we could relax and enjoy ourselves. Gregory was a dream child and was not the loudest by any stretch of the imagination.

The best part of the whole thing was really talking to our friends that we usually see in quick hello/goodbye fashion in the pick up and drop off lines.

Hope your summer is starting out well.

Part II, Day 34: A Gift!

Today my parents gave me and hubby a very huge gift! They took our three little ones for an over night. We were so giddy with excitement that the morning passed so super slowly. Thankfully, 3:30 pm rolled around eventually.

We did some exciting things tonight:
1. Mass without interruptions. I can't tell you the last time we listened to the readings and homily at Mass. That was great!
2. Ran into some great school families at Mass and reconnected with some amazing moms I haven't seen in a few months.
3. Went shopping and had time to meander.
4. Drove through my university campus and had dinner at a great Irish bar we found.
5. Getting ready for bed in a quiet house devoid of children and their schenanigans.

I am sure I will be excited to see them tomorrow. For today, I am excited to have down time, reconnect with my husband, and revel in the silence.

Part II, Day 33: Finding Me - Again!

This journey has been a wonderful journey back to me. It is actually a surprising find along the way. For the first time in years, I woke up feeling like me. I was energized and ready to start the day. It was so fantastic. The catching up on lost sleep is probably the best part of this project, because in that way I have been finding parts of me that have been buried deep in sleep deprivation, children tugging on me, and a million other things.

Years ago, if anyone would tell me that I would lose so much of myself in such a short time, I would not have believed you. And though the reasons are three fantastic reasons. I have missed myself. I have become a stressed, screechy person. I am sure that I am not fun to be around. I went from being the Happy Hour Queen to the Queen of the Cranky. A title I want to relinquish. Does anyone want it?

The things that used to define me and my person have evaporated. I have lost my name in the process. I have become someone I do not recognize in the mirror most days. My eyes are tired, my body is not the same shape. My days are surrounded with little people and their daily grind. I have been tugged in every direction possible. Life is chaotic and upside down on a good day. Often I feel as though I do not contribute to society in a meaningful way. In short, I am a stay at home mom who is very over qualified with degrees hanging on the wall that are not being used.

Finding some worth in the midst of trying to find happiness is such a bonus. And now that I think about it, how was I thinking I would find happiness without rediscovering and reloving myself? I think women of our generation were sold a giant lie. We were told we could be anything we wanted to be career wise. We were told that we could earn what a man does or more! We were told that we could have a family and balance work without any problems. We were taught that being a stay at home mother was so 50s and so not worthwhile. I want a refund!

We can have all those things listed above with major sacrifices or we can just be as we need to be at that particular time in our lives and not feel the guilt for not being a Super woman. I hope our daughters grow up and appreciate that they can do whatever they want and be whomever they want without the guilt of having to be the best of the best at everything. I hope my daughters will find careers that are fulfilling and families that are loving. I hope that they are supported when/if they decided to put career on hold to raise a family. I hope that they are the best persons that they can be and feel their worth in gold.

This song has been bouncing around my head all day. So I share it with you:

Part II, Day 32: Sunshine and chirping birds

Spring returned yesterday and was here in full force today. Spring, glorious Spring. The month of rain has taken a break and we are basking in the sun in shorts! I was really convinced that this summer would be the winter that never ended. There is even still - yes, still - a pile of snow behind the movie theater. I think another couple of days of this glorious golden ball in the sky will make that big boy evaporate. And I hope that the powers that be in the parking lot of the shopping mall realize that it is silly to pile that much snow in one pile next year!

My little guy was in a glorious mood too. Maybe he has some vitamin D deficiency like his mother? If every day were like today, parenting my three children would be a walk in the park. Or a stroll through a meadow. Or a meander through the woods. My Harriet even asked me today why I wasn't cross. Now that just made me stop and really think about how crazy I have been for the past years.

On doctor's orders (and why did it take doctor's orders?) I am resting a bit each day while this horrible tiredness that has been plaguing me goes away. You know, last year I had mononucleosis and did not know it. I am wondering if I somehow have that again? Probably not, it is probably just that now that I am taking stock of me for a change, that I am noticing these things.

I am tired today. Last night was not an easy night. One of the children had an accident in the middle of the night. That wee accident necessitated washing half of the bathroom with bleach, a midnight shower with scrub down, a clothing change and a load of laundry. After all that, I was wide awake, surfing the web from my iPod and wondering if I could sneak in a bit of a later morning when I remembered that one of my kids was saying the Pledge of Allegiance at morning prayers.

So, today has been glorious and gloriously tiring. All in all a great day!

Part II, Day 31: Looking in the Mirror

Today I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was surprised at what I saw. Gone were the very deep dark circles under my eyes. Yes, there are still tiredness circles, but they are no longer the color of eggplant, rather they are about 200% lighter! (Perhaps you can imagine just how dark they were!)

I have been forcing myself to do the minimum of 20 minutes a day of exercising. No that is ridiculously low, but I have never done something 7 days a week, so it feels really good. I have only had one really good workout this past week though, so my goal for next week is to make it to the gym or at least pop in an exercise video into the computer at least 3 times. (Our living room does not have a TV, so I use the computer to workout in here.)

Finally, after 2 days shy of a week, I feel a difference in my body. It is really strange. How is it possible to feel a difference after just five days? I don't understand that. I have realized that I was not eating out of control before, but for some reason the order I am eating things this week and the proportion of protein versus carbs is really talking to my body. How could one lousy tweak have such an impact. I will reveal how much I have lost this week Thursday - my official weigh in day.

If this is all it takes to lose the baby weight and regain myself, any amount of work is totally worth it. I just hope that we can get my body back to burning a reasonable amount of fuel to energize itself. I worry that my anorexia in high school has long term effects that will never fix itself. I can't believe looking back at pictures of my 15 and 16 year old self that I ever thought I was fat! I just want to go back and give my young self a hug and tell her that everything will be ok, and that starvation is not worth anything. I often worried that I would be broken from that experience, but in hindsight, it has made me appreciate the thought of fueling the body and really embracing food in a wholesome way.

Some times I wonder how many angels I have out there caring for me. There must be an army. For some of the things I have been through and some things that I just barely avoided in life. There is no other explanation.

This song is such a comfort song for me. Hope it gives a hugs to you too.

Part II, Day 30: Panic!

It is raining and thundering. And what is my five year old doing? Running around, flailing his arms screaming, "It is thundering! I am panicking!!!" This is causing his sisters to run around crying about losing electricity... which because I am still on here means we still have power. I just hope that this storm passes quickly. It could be a long night with three little ones crying about panicking and panicking each other more and more.

The topic of conversation has now turned to tornadoes. They are now panicked that our house will be demolished in a tornado. We have not told them about the tornadoes this week, so I can only imagine that they are praying for the tornado victims from earlier this week. While I am glad for the social conscious part of their school curriculum. Panicking 5-6 year olds is not welcomed.

Now we have just had our first hit of lightening. My husband is telling them how to tell how far away a storm is and just announced that the storm is directly over us. Thanks... now we are all panicking. This child hates lightening. The only time I liked it was when we were in the Petronas Tower in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia) during a lightening storm and we watched lightening hit the building near where I was standing by the window and travel around the steel structure. That was cool - freaky - but cool. Lightening over my head, shaking our old farm house. Not so cool.

Part II, Day 29: Karate, revisited

Today I took the kids back to the Karate dojo to try out a full class of Little Samurais. They loved it. Even Gregory.

Weeks ago when we started talking about karate for Gregory we were concerned with how his sensory and Asperger issues would deal with the karate as a sport. He is already a soccer drop out and we want to shield him from trauma by other parents getting angry at him, etc.

I was invited to stay in the dojo today for half of the class to see how he assimilated. I was pleased to see that he was trying his darnedest to participate in an appropriate manner. He could not help himself a few times to talk out loud and he was a little lost being such a visual learner. But he passed! All three were invited to join the dojo!

I am very excited for them to do Karate and hope that they will receive the tools they need to be proud of themselves and learn to respect more fully! It is funny how sometimes life takes you down a path that you never expected to return.

When I was in university, we had to participate in a year of sports or sports classes for a requirement for graduation. I signed up for Karate because I always wanted to take the sport, but had never had the gumption to just tell my parents. I was too shy about it because I thought that it was not "feminine" enough. I loved Karate and would have graduated a black belt, but I decided to go to Spain for a year, and upon returning I never went back to the dojo. It was Senior year, there were too many graduation requirements I needed to do to ensure graduation with just three years on campus. Maybe after they are assimilated I will return to the dojo and my first athletic love. :)

Part II, Day 28: Ready for a Mamacation

I am truly excited for tonight. My mom friends and I are getting ready for what I have dubbed our monthly Mamacation night. We usually end up at a local Mexican restaurant drinking margaritas and snacking while chatting the night away. Tonight, though it seems as though we will be just a few...that is ok. I have had quite a weekend and any time away from the house seems like a bit of heavenly time. That must sound horrible...

All of our kids have been beyond wound up for the last month, as I have complained quite a bit about on here. I have started a new low, low calorie diet that is ok, but is leaving me a little hungry here and there. My darling husband has been baking delectable treats all weekend that I can't eat. (Thanks for the support this first weekend...) The twins threw tantrums when I told them that we were all going to Mass as a family. And now I have a bit of resentment built up toward everyone after they all either ignored me or half heartedly gave me peace today during Mass.

In a fit of anger, I told them that they can just count Christmas, Easter, and their birthdays off from the gifts list. Santa and the Easter Bunny will no longer visit us. I expected tears of rage. Instead, the children laughed at me. Really? When I was a kid, I would have been spanked for that and grounded for weeks. Spanking is not allowed and grounding them in the house makes my life harder... I can't take away video games because they don't even have any! That leaves play date removal. None on the horizon. So I decided to talk to them. They said that I misunderstood. They were sorry that they did not want to go to Mass, and would do a better job.

After lunch of a delectable frittata, I convinced the family to go on a walk with me. In a very short time we covered 2 miles. The kids did not whine too much. The whole time though, I felt like my husband was just along physically. I felt like he was not counting it as exercise and just counting down the minutes until he could leave for the gym for his real exercise.

I am really disappointed in a way with the family today. I feel as though I am making a huge change in my life with no real support. It is so hard to eat this high protein, low carb diet that is also low cal when they are all eating sausages, fresh baked products, crap cereal (I have been forbidden from cereal until they figure out why I am having so much trouble losing the baby weight from 5 years ago). Sure everyone is giving me the we are right here by your side, but the actions are speaking louder than words. I don't expect them to stop eating, I just expected a little more support the first week.

Sorry this is such a downer today. Maybe a little uplifting music will help. On the bright side, I feel better. My reflux has been gone for 3 days and my clothes are a little looser. It is just my heart that feels heavier today.

Part II, Day 27: Another Saturday night...

Our first Saturday morning where we did not have to get up super early and drive down to Boston since September. It was a nice feeling. Not to say that we were lazy. Gregory still had a social skills class this morning. Luckily, my husband promised to bring him to the appointment. That left some quality time with my girls.

We decided to go for a walk since I need to walk a minimum of 20 minutes a day for exercise. Now, for me, 20 minutes is really nothing. So we decided to walk to my aunt's house and drop in for a visit. I am so proud of my girls. They walked 2 1/2 miles without a complaint! We had a nice time and kept a decent clip for their little legs. Needless to say, we did more than 20 minutes. I felt so jazzed after that...then the allergies started to kick up and now I feel miserable.

The most exciting part of the day was... the kids tried out a great Karate place. I have been leery about trying Karate with Gregory's Aspergers. My hubby and I are worried that he will not know or understand what is ok in the dojo is not ok in the house or the school yard. I found this place through another acquaintance who's child has the same diagnosis highly recommended this dojo to us. The kids had a wonderful time and we were so proud of them all as they earned their first belt really they just get it, but the Sensai made them "earn" it.

My husband and I were supposed to go out tonight. We've cancelled those plans to try and get my sinus issue under control. So, it seems like it is another Saturday night at the homestead...

Part II, Day 26: Allergies + Dance Class = Dizzy!

Today, thanks to horrible allergies, I woke up feeling as though a big truck had crushed my lungs by repeatedly rolling over me. I was in absolutely no mood to get myself out of bed, nevermind, three little ones off to school and myself to my adult jazz class. (Even the thought of dancing on chairs did not pique my interest... truly a sad state of mind I was in.)

Luckily, my husband is working from home today and had a cup of coffee waiting me as I descended the stairs. Thank God he is a morning person because he was even jovial when I begged him to rescue my Mucinex (nasal decongestant) from the back of the Mamamobile. Once the medicine was working and I was somewhat functioning, I settled into a chair and waited to wake up.

I was a bit anxious for some reason about feeling full today. I think it was because the doctor warned me that I would be starving. I wondered how one little cup of Greek yogurt with a tablespoon of chocolate peanut butter and some sliced strawberries would hold me on my exercising. When I put the concoction into my bowl though, I was so surprised. It was actually twice the amount I usually eat for breakfast - and so darn yummy!

Feeling better, I got the kids ready and we left in the rain for yet another rainy Spring day. After drop off and going to the bank for some cash, I decided to go to our local cafe for a water. I knew that I would puke if I tried to have coffee then work out for an hour. Luckily one of my mommy friends was there and we had a nice chat over her bubble tea and my water. Then we headed out for our dance class.

I am so glad that I went. We had a ball. The only problem was that the Mucinex made me dizzy with every leap and every turn. From my 1/2 marathon training days I should have remembered... I will file that in my brain box.

Part II, Day 25: Nutritionist!

I was quite nervous this morning. Today was the first meeting with the nutritionist doctor. I was nervous about what she was going to tell me. I was waiting to be yelled at. Scoffed at. To be told that I was about to drop dead of some dreadful obesity related illness. Then I started filling out the paper work, and felt like I was in the wrong place. I am not a huge snacker. I am not completely out of control eater.

Instead, as I talked to the nutritionist and later the doctor, there was understanding in their eyes. Perhaps it was B.S., but I really think that they are on to something. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with eating so few calories until this is all figured out. That is kind of scary for me... it actually was not scary until I realized that I could only eat soup at the lunch place today! Though the soup was tasty, I was just trying to figure out how I am going to live on three 300 calorie meals and 3 small snacks. While trying to figure out the protein versus carbs - apples are considered carbs by this place...

Anyway, hopefully in a few months this first day jitter session will be a laugh and I will wonder what I was worried about!


Here is a remake of a classic Queen song that just seems appropriate somehow:

Part II, Day 24: Another day in...

I truly want to say another day in hell. Today can't be seen as a day in heaven. At the very best, maybe a day in purgatory. Someone once told me that children are like animals. They sense your mood and attack! Today this has been so true. My three are on some sort of brain wave that is causing them to act like little animals.

My son has been one tantrum away from throwing me over the edge of sanity. Then the girls are just fighting, fighting, fighting. I don't see any upside, I feel nauseous and just want to go to bed. Maybe that is where I will go. Early. I think I will skip dinner.

I am so annoyed. This song is now in my head as a great angst song:

Part II, Day 23: FTO = fun day!

Today my husband took some FTO (basically, a holiday day). We were quite busy with appointments for our youngest all day, but we had time to relax and reconnect. Seems kind of sad that he has to take a day off for us to spend some time together. That said, I will take a random day of FTO over weeks of him traveling. :)

I wonder if we can just run away, plant a coconut tree and live on Rarotonga in the Cook Islands - maybe Pa's Nature Walks could use an assistant? That is really my ideal. I want to escape this thing called life and just be happy. It would not take much to be honest. I am sick of this rat race called modern life. I want to turn in my phone. I want to just be content with my family and hanging out with my friends. Is that even possible?

I remember being in university and talking about building a Utopian village. Obviously, the things I found important back then are no longer important to me - well maybe some things are. But the addition of my husband and my children really skewed what I once thought of as a perfect day. Though I still would put up a long nap and lazing around in that ideal. Isn't funny how the importance of things change as we age? If I could go back and tell my crunchy, granola university self where I would be 20 years later, I would never have believed you. I guess that is the genius of life. No one can ever predict what is going to truly happen.

So, though we were busy, saw the silver lining all day long. Now back to reality...though I am dreading it.

Part II, Day 22: Rainy Days and Mondays

Today is so gray and cold. What happened to our promised Spring? We are already past the Ides of May and not a true warm up has begun. There is even still snow piled behind the movie theater in town. This is going to be remembered as the Winter of 2011 that never ended. On the good side, our electric bill is quite low because we are not using the air conditioner.

As for the title of this post: I am not in a down mood, as is suggested by the lyrics of the classic Carpenters' hit "Rainy Days and Mondays." Rather the title of the song really sums up the day. It is rainy and it is a Monday. That said it has been a fun day filled with some fun movies.

I have had an enjoyable day with my first born (by a minute). She is home sick today. I don't really think she is 100% ill, I really just felt like she needed a day off from school. That said though, she has been in bed since we returned from the school drop off this morning four hours ago, so perhaps she really is feeling a bit blah after all. She has been so happy to just rest and has not had one idea of the million things we could/should be doing/building/baking/etc. Hopefully, her cough will subside and her energy will return.

When I started this project way back in March, I was hoping to get my creative juices flowing and continue with my writing projects. I had a break through this weekend! I have a fantastic idea that I need to hammer out, but I think that I have finally found a project that is 100% me and that will be just the thing to keep me out of trouble. Right now I have an idea and a vague sense of where I would like this story to go. When the thought flew through my brain though it was as though it were a gift from above. This is the first encouraging sign I have had in 18 months that I would ever return to the land of paper and pen (or keyboard as it really is).

I hope that your Monday is a whole lot less rainy and a whole lot more uplifting than it is here. And if you see the Spring, please send some rays of hope and sunshine my way!

Part II, Day 21: The Great Clean Out

Today was the perfect day for a great clean out as you can see in the photo above where the floor is gleaming. The kids are having a play date after school tomorrow and they house was a disaster in every room. It feels as though we are constantly cleaning and rearranging this house. I am sure when the kids are grown, I will desperately miss this activity. For now, I am sick of stepping on Hello Kittys, Yodas, and random Lego pieces. I was actually tempted today to pitch all the Barbies and extraneous super heroes in a bin liner. My kids wailed a resounding, "No." As a compromise, they cleaned or I threatened to fill my white plastic bag with an assortment of crap from their floors and the floor of the playroom.

After initially trying to play and call that cleaning, we had an understanding. I kept shaking my bag with glee. They worked a little harder. At the end of the afternoon, the house was mostly back in order. There is no way that I can finish this entire endeavour today. Really, that would require a back hoe and some landfill, but at least it will not be an embarrassment to open our home tomorrow afternoon to our new friends.

For some reason, this song by Tracy Byrd has been in my head all afternoon. Something today reminded me of when I lived in DC. I have no idea what that could be because I was definitely not sorting through children's toys at that point in my life. Since it is on eternal repeat, I share it with you:

Part II, Day 20: Night sans Kidlets

As a surprise, my godparents called to take the three children OVERnight. To say that I was jumping for joy, is an understatement. We have not had a night to ourselves since September 2010. It is now May 2011. You can do the math.

At first we did not know what to do last night, but quickly followed spontaneity. First we tried a new Thai restaurant in our town, then as we were driving by the movie theater, we decided to go and see "Bridesmaids." I was not sure what to expect, what I heard and saw were definitely not what I would have expected.

Later as my husband and I were discussing the raunchy movie, I told him it felt like every thought a woman ever had said out loud. Though this movie is not at all kid friendly, I have not laughed so hard in years. Tears were running down my cheeks and I fears that I would pee myself. Thankfully, no pants were ruined! LOL.

Here is an important song from the movie:

Part II, Day 19: Blogger still down

On Friday, blogger was still down! I could not access the posting portal at all...

Part II, Day 18: Blogger down

Blogger was down this day and now I don't remember what happened!!!

Part II, Day 17: Trampled by a dinosaur

Today, I awoke with such a refreshment and such a joie de vivre... that hallucination lasted a mere 42 minutes and I wish that I could go back and repossess my day so that I will be able relive the day.

Is there a rewind button on life? Because quite honestly, I want to rewind and a re-do. My son has Aspergers and his day was set upside down by a field trip from the Pre-K building to the "big" school and the library. He was with his teachers and friends (and yours truly as one of the chaperones). In addition, he visited the librarian who currently comes down to his school to read books.

Let me back up just a smidge, the day started out with him not wanting to get dressed. I should have known from that moment that we would jump off an emotional cliff that would end with me in a comatos like state staring at this computer and willing my husband to walk through the door. Right now they are upstairs having bath time, but I digress.

After a bit of a wrestling match to get the boy dressed, there was an argument over the cereal type I had decided to give this morning. I changed bowls and thought the rest of the morning would smooth out. This part of the morning was the happy part.

My girls were reading the morning prayers and as luck happened it was raining. I thought this would be great. No school yard to set of the son's sensory issues. Waiting in the hall was a million times worse. I was head butted, feet stomped on, and an umbrella weilded at my head. Finally, I decided to take him out and miss the girls' recitations. Luckily, my mother was along to be a face to beam at the granddaughters.

When we finally reached the street, I was bitten repeatedly for the crime of removing the umbrella that was hitting me. I was punched, kicked and called a variety of names. I managed to keep it somewhat together and stoically walk Gregory the block to his building. Then I quickly deposited him with his teacher with a terse, "Good luck. It's been a bad morning." Then as the door swooshed close behind me a father asked me, "Having a good morning?" I answered, "No, actually." Then I promptly burst into tears and blathered to another friend and took off back to the big school where I saw one of my best friends, but could not even talk to her because I was crying too much.

The teacher had asked me to be a chaperone as I was leaving because she was worried aobut him. So after a quick breakfast, I returned to the school with a heavy heart and reluctance. Gregory seemed fine with the walk to the library and the actual time in the library. Then we had a surprise visit to his classroom next fall. Dear Lord above, you would have thought they were caning him. He refused to try out a desk and when asked his favorite part he said, "I'm nervous about Kindergarten." Then he and I bolted into the cafeteria because he was mess.

On the walk back to his classroom, he seemed fine. Then as a treat I took him to see "Rio." They were having a sensory friendly showing at a local theater. So we enjoyed the movie with lunch and I thought the day was back on track. From pick up until now it has been one thing after another and right now my world is black and I see no upside. So feeling trampled by a dinosaur right now, reminded me of this song:

Part II, Day 16: A Bully's A Bully

Today was a crazy day. If it were a Monday, I would say it is a Manic Monday, as it is though, it is a manic Tuesday. Maybe I can be all superior about it and deem today a Monday and then the Bangles song will be valid?

The day started out ok enough, but by noon was already in a crazy mixed up state. I started out the day late. Not because of my own tardiness, but rather the tardiness of three little munchkins. I hate being late. Did I mention that I hate being late. That just set the rest of the day.

Between school hysteria over a new policy that is being debated by parents, though we seem to have no say in the situation... the kids refusal to do homework, and then running between three meetings at the same time, I was frazzled by the time I ate dinner at 10 pm!!!

As for the title of this post? One of the three meetings was a Bully Prevention meeting at the kids' school. People are so mad about another issue that they boycotted it. So representing 300 families? A mere 13 families. It was embarrassing to say the least.

Here is to deeming any manic day at Manic Monday!

Part II, Day 15: Lasagna - A Hug for the Soul

Today was a day of remembering my grandmother. The other night I had made a dish that we call Turkish Pasta. We had it on our mini-moon (the honeymoon for our civil marriage) in Konstanz, Germany. It was a simple pasta dish and for some reason I was craving it the other night. In the process of making that dish, I had inadvertently made way too much meat sauce, so I put the rest in the fridge and had the brilliant idea to turn the sauce into the basis of a lasagna of sorts.

I could just hear my grandmother now scolding me for changing the family recipe. She would have taken it as an affront to generations of lasagna making and would have claimed that it was not fit to be called lasagna.

As usual, my kids all turned their noses up at the creation, but my husband and I loved it! We actually ate all 5 servings (and are now regretting our greed). This meat sauce is so yummy that I think that I will need write down what I put in it because this was not cooking with a recipe cooking. This was cooking from memory and taste. This is the cooking I was taught with. I am religious about following new recipes to the t. Then I take whatever culinary liberties that I would like to take. In the process most meals have my stamp on them. This was just plain old good food. A warm hug from the inside that leaves you feeling all gooey and comforted.

Hopefully, you have a meal this week that hugs you like that too.

Part II, Day 14: The Mother of All Days

Today is Mother's Day. I have to admit, that I woke up in a crabby mood and that I was not at all festive. My family gave me a wonderful morning: breakfast in bed with homemade sticky buns and a loungy chair for the garden (something I have been wanting for 6 years!).

But something was bothering me and has been bothering me for weeks. I can't figure out exactily what it is, but hope that the cloud will be lifted and that I can just feel free-er. (Is that even a term? Well, it is now.)

I need to detox my life and just start being. Something I could do very easily in my 20s, but find difficult at the end of my 30s. Perhaps a move would change things up for me? Perhaps I need to refocus my life. Perhaps I just need to let criticism hang in the air and not bow down to its tentacles. Perhaps I just need to stop thinking.

Anyway, here is a little song in honor of all mothers out there:

Part II, Day 13: Last day of German Saturday School!!!!

Today was quite a milestone in the year of our family! The last day of classes for Saturday German School until next year. We still must attend the closing party next Saturday. But that is a fun day! The kids perform and receive any diplomas they may have earned. Then the entire family is treated to bratwurst and cake.

Many families seem to skip this festivity every year, but they are totally wrong to do so. The day really is a joy and it is nice to wrap up the whole year with a fun activity for which the kids work so hard preparing.

We also were able to visit with a dear friend who is on holiday from the UK. Her family is old family friends from my father-in-law's university days. The kids are all now grown (My husband and this woman) and we have been hanging out for years. Though since we have had the children, much less often.

It was great to get together with her and just enjoy her company. It makes me wish that she still lived here in the US. Perhaps we will move back to Europe and then we can be closer. One never does know.

So today's happy points are: finishing the year's course for my children and visiting with a dear friend.

Part II, Day 12: Attack of the School Uniforms

Today was the annual school uniform swap and yours truely was in charge of the whole schebang. It was quite a feat that was thankfully aided by some great friends who stepped up to help me and my co-chair.

Who knew that jumpers, skirts, trousers, and shorts could cause such a foray into madness! It is amazing how much we all saved by not buying brand new uniforms for next year. We deduced that the dresses are made of the most indestructible material ever invented.

I am so excited that kids are kitted out for the next school year. Most importantly, I am absolutely elated that the swap is completed! What a huge undertaking. I will not be running this baby next year...

Part II, Day 11: Cinco de mayo

Today is el cinco de mayo. Some say it is a big cause for celebration. I think it is just a cause for celebration. Know what I mean? But sometimes do you need a reason to celebrate. Sometimes just hanging out with friends is all that you need.

It was a strange, exhilirating day. I just returned from the Guild meeting for my children's school. We all had to pick two events to co-host next year. This year, I did one small event and one larger than life event. I am done with larger than life events. So I cheesed out and chose two small events. Santa Fotos at the Christmas Fair and the snacks for the Guild Installation. Should be a piece of cake and maybe, just maybe I will cook for them all. :) We shall see what I feel like next year.

Anyway, not a crazy fun day, but a nice day nonetheless.

Part II, Day 10: Blah!

Today is a blah day! It could be the rain. Everything seems gray and half full. I hate when I have these days. Well, at least tomorrow should be better. It has to be, right?

Part II, Day 9: Back in the Saddle

Today was truly a step back in time. I taught for the first time in seven years. Literally, seven years. See seven years ago this week, I was placed on bed rest during my pregnancy with the twins. So when my children's school called to tell me the Spanish teacher was away and asked if I would like to help out, I said yes.

It was exciting to be back in the classroom and I totally want this job should it ever come to pass that the teacher retires! Her schedule is the cushiest schedule in the entire world: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 12:20-2:20. Yep, you read that correctly. Four days a week for two hours. A total of three classes per day with three very light preps. From what I can understand no to little homework and preps easier than I have ever had.

I was nervous about teaching the middle school level since I had not taught that level EVER. I started out teaching at UCLA as part of my fellowship for the doctoral program (I did not finish because my professor, who was the only expert in my field left the university and never returned). Then I taught at some community colleges. Then I was at an all girls' high school for a while. Then a stay at home mom driving my husband insane with my endless projects. Though I think he enjoys my enthusiasm and drive. :)

It was fantastic to be speaking Spanish again for long chunks and I realized that I still have the teaching thing. The kids were enthusiastic. We did their exercises so quickly and it was so much fun. Though those poor seventh graders had to endure six listening comprehensions via CD for 35 minutes! I was bored to tears, I can only imagine how they felt.

I spoke with the French and Chinese teachers later (All the language teachers share an office) and they were shocked when I told them that I had a ball. The French teacher told me that it has not be fun for her for years. That is a little sad. Teaching was always fun for me. I hated the correcting, but loved the students and loved seeing their eyes open with excitement to learn a new lesson. Let's see if this substitute gig ever pans out.

Oh, and my first grade daughters informed me that they could hear me downstairs. Still a loud teacher... gotta love booming Spanish in the quiet school. Those kids had so much fun!!

Anyway, I will report on my second day. Today truly brought me happiness!

Part II, Day 8: Belly Dancing!

In my quest to get fit and happy (as well as, healthy) I had enrolled in Boot Camp. This idea was such a great idea and had such wonderful potential. 5 weeks of hell for a life recovered. However, day dreams and reality are often not well aligned. This was the case with Boot Camp. All the best intentions have left me a Boot Camp drop out - for a second time.

Part of me feels guilty because I was really committed to this, but part of me is relieved because I was so anxious and stressed about finding a babysitter. It was going to cost a lot of money for the five weeks, but we were willing to do so for my fitness.

So, undeterred to figure out my own boot camp, at my pace, I devised this program:
exercise classes at my gym three times a week and find a nutritionist who is backed by a doctor.

Today was the beginning of this new odyssey here in my life. I convinced my Boot Camp buddy to join me at the first day of this new regimen. We decided to try the Belly Dance class. It sounded fun and we figured with all the hip shaking, it had to be a good workout. I was so sweaty when we ended, but it was so, so much fun!! We shimmied, we shook, we laughed and we had an intense workout! Now we just have to figure out Wednesday adventure. For now Fridays will remain Adult Jazz.

As for the nutritionist, I have an appointment on May 19th. I can't wait to hear what they have to say. :)

In the meantime, the dancing in this song reminds me of today's class:

Part II, Day 7: Gardening to Happiness

Today was a fantabulous day - my own word, I admit, but so much more than fantastic and fabulous! :)

My daughters slept over at Grammie and Grampy's house so we had our son with us. The boys decided to let me sleep in to the late hour of 7:45 am and then when I tried to go downstairs, I was shooed back upstairs! So I was forced to hang out in bed, listening to some of my favorite 80s music on the TV music channel while sipping coffee. Then they made homemade scones and we had breakfast in bed. It was not a special day, but I felt so special.

After lolling about until 10 am, we finally got our rears in motion and went shopping for new trash containers for the curbside pick up, mulch for the garden and leaf picker upper thingies for the garden. Then we went to a gardener's bliss...

There is a gardening store near us that has row upon row of gorgeous plants and trees and flowers and what not. The whole thing is the size of a soccer field. I am not an avid gardener, but I love going to this place and seeing potential and day dreaming. We walked every aisle and could not decide what to purchase for our yard, so we decided to have lunch at the farmer's market that was at the end of the tree aisle. We discovered some amazing vendors: the best jam I have ever had and I have had jam all over the place, an organic spice purveyor, an all natural butcher with a farm close by, and a nice sense of community. We will definitely go back there!

After our delightful lunch, we finally made decisions: a magnolia tree, a self-pollinating peach tree, a pussy willow tree, a forsynthia bush, and poppies, pansies, English daisies and an artichoke. The yard is already looking a little better.

The gardening was hard work, but it will be great! So, if you are looking for a new hobby that is a good workout, let me suggest some gardening!

Part II, Day 6: Minus two kids

Tonight my mother called and asked if the twins could stay over and would I mind? Would I mind? Please take the little ones from me. Still not feeling 100% and a little break will do me some good. Now to convince the hubby to take the little man to dinner. I am sure that will not be a hard sell since the two of them have very little time alone together now that all three are in German school on Saturdays.

Part II, Day 5: Fever hits home

Today I was down and out for the count. Fever, sluggish, not a bit to report. Just lots of driving and trying to stay awake. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better!!

Part II, Day 4: Sidelined by Scarlet Fever

Today did not go as planned from sun up to sun down. Instead of getting ready for my second boot camp class and perhaps being more in pain than ever before, I was carting children around and one in particular back and forth to the doctor's office. Caroline has scarlet fever.

The mention of scarlet fever seems so Victorian or early 20th century at the very least. I was even tempted to ask if we were going to be quarantined. Funny, how years ago, the entire family would have been sealed into the house, battling the life threatening disease, that now is just treated with a bit of penisilian and a smile.

I was convinced that she would miss at least the rest of the week of school, but the doctor told me that she can return tomorrow. So hopefully, Friday, though always crazy, will be a little easier without having to juggle a scarlet child, as well as, the usual appointments for my son.

Today was an emotional day for me for other reasons, but ended after a two hour nap on a nice note. Dinner alone with my husband. It was not fancy food, but it was nice to just relax alone.

Part II, Day 3: The Hobbler

You may call me the Hobbler today. Every muscle in my gluts area hurts. And the side of my body. I feel old, but a little energized, but exhausted. I have no idea how one could possibly feel all of those things together, but I do. What a crazy ride this boot camp thing is going to be on my body. I am off boot camp until tomorrow night and I am desperately not trying to think about the agony I will be experiencing on Friday while attempting to leap and dance in class. This week, grace is not my goal, but rather not falling over. Small goal, perhaps I can actually attain it.

I thought I would be fine today, seeing as I made it through all day yesterday with only a twinge. As dusk descended upon our house, so too did pain and stiffness. How could I have barely any pain all day to only bet writhing in pain at bedtime? Either my body is just aging or this too shall pass. I hope for the this too shall pass bit.

One exciting thing about myself that I have totally realized, is that I think I can manage the next 9 classes of this hell. And then I will be conquering my next exercise fear: spinning! I have always wanted to do spinning, but have been so afraid of not being able to do it.

Where does this deep sense of fear come that is rooted in the belly of my soul? I think it can be traced back to grammar school when I was often picked last or next to last because I was not athletically inclined. I remember telling a friend in college that these legs are not made for running. While it is true I have never been a fast runner, I can run when I want to. That I found out while doing Karate in college and ran home one night, and did not even realize that I was running until I arrived at the door in record speed from the origination point.

Anyway, today it is all about optimism and seeing that I can do things. Maybe not fast, but can definitely do them. So, here's to living life in technicolor and not in black and white, siezing the day and really living.

Part II, Day 2: Boot Camp

Trying to navigate the road to happiness has been fraught with bumps and aggravation. There have been times of extreme happiness and times of extreme exhaustion and loneliness. Though, who's life isn't I guess? It just seems harder sometimes when it is your life that is throwing grenades in the way.

During the first forty days of this project, I realized that I am a bit angry about life and just need some physical movement to improve the mood. To that end, I signed up for the Adult Jazz class that I attend on Fridays. It is a hoot and especially on the days that I do not want to go I feel better. And the best part? I lost eight pounds without really trying. OK, I tried a little bit, but it was easy. Take that back, it was hard work each Friday, but it was not disruptive to my day to day life.

Then, at a school function, I won a five week boot camp with a friend. Yesterday began my foray into a previously, and still, scary zone. The military scares me. They break you down to build you up. There are tons of men and women out there in the military and I totally respect you. Thank you for all the sacrifices you are giving your nations. That said, it has never been my thing.

About 11 years ago, my husband and I decided to try boot camp at our gym. We made it exactly 15 minutes. I could not keep up with the psycho teacher and she just plain scared me. I ran away. There is only one other thing I have run away from in life, and that makes the second. So there, now you know I ran away from two things in my life (not bad for 38 years, right?)

Anyway, those two things were:
1. The US Foreign Service Examination (I walked in the auditorium, and I walked out... no idea why or anything. There went my dreams to serve in the diplomatic corp in a moment of insanity.)
2. Boot Camp at a gym in Boston (purely scared and a chicken)

Now, fast forward to last month: at the school function, I spied the boot camp. I excitedly bid on it with a friend and we outbid others to win it! Then I confidently signed up and with butterflies in my stomach and the back bone of an amoeba, shakily drove to the boot camp rendezvous. I was feeling like slime on the floor. Then, to top it off, I had to be weighed in front of 23 others!!! And then my BMI was checked. This was about the last straw. I wanted to run away. But I learned something over the course of training for the half marathon in 2009. I can do anything. Maybe not fast, maybe as slow as molasses, but I can finish. So, I just hung in there, out of breath and sore as can be last night.

As I told my friend this morning, we can handle anything for one hour and if we can't keep up, oh well. They can just kick us out. :)

For some reason this song is stuck in my head, so I share it and hope others are having an easier time with this thing called exercise!

Day 1 of Part II of the Happiness Project: The Shape Up!

Now that I have dusted off the happiness feelings and am starting to feel like myself for longer periods of time, the next phase of the happiness project is ready to begin. My goal for the first part of this project was to increase my happiness level to get my creative juices running for my writing projects.

Though I have made a huge headway in the happiness factor, I am still not back in the good place for my writing. So this project will be rolled out over the next year to include different parts.

Part I: Was working on general happiness and working on specific projects. Those projects will continue, but the focus will shift majorly to kicking the exercise part up significantly.

Part II: This part is starting today and will include at least three intensive workouts a week and more seeing the silver lining.

Future Parts will be introduced at the end of each phase.

For my first long term goal, I will begin training my body to run my second Walt Disney Half Marathon in January 2013. I know that seems a long time away, but my husband and I are planning to run it with his sister and we all need lead time to both train and already have other plans with their father during the 2012 race. In addition to just running the race, I want to shave time off of my first race time of 3:08. I am sure that is possible. The first race was just about finishing it. The next one is about finishing it in less than 2:45! (I am the world's sllllooowwweeesstt runner so we shall see!!!

So, here is to the first day of the new phase. This phase will include my return to clean eating - I am convinced the fuel we ingest has a huge impact on our outlook. This phase will last for 35 days

Day 40: Re-learning the ABCs

A few years ago, my good friend Ramon proposed that we should do an ABC poster together. I would write the text and he would design it. I was happy to oblige and it took a year of back and forth and whatnot to finally see a version of this poster. Looking back over this past 40 days, how far I have come in my quest for happiness is amazing. I did not believe that it was possible to find a happier place for me in my current life.

Over the past few weeks, I have learned and re-learned a ton. These are the important lessons of this part of the journey:

1. Take time to smell the roses and savor the scent
2. Happiness is somewhat self derived
3. My happiness affects the entire family, and most importantly my son's well-being
4. Little moments of divine intervention happen every day, I just have to take the time to see it
5. A song can change a mood and now I have 40 great songs on my iPod to help me get through life's rollercoaster
6. There is no such thing as a truly 100% blissful life, learn from the downs and rejoice in the ups

Finally, I retook my happiness number and now I am: 3.17 out of a 5. That is a vast improvement from day 1 and I feel it.

This journey is not over, but I will be taking a brief break this week. When I return, I will reveal the next part of this process: the 5 week renewal project!

So in the meantime, peace, happiness and love to everyone. And I have to end with a song - off course.

Day 39: Zoo-rific

Today was Girl Scout Day at the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. Hundreds of little girls to big girls were running all around the zoo having a ball. My girls are Daisy Scouts - the littlest girl scouts - and just trying to get all 14 little girls to move was quite a feat. After two and a half hours they had managed to make it to the arts and crafts area set up for them, the zebras, the tigers, and the lions...and lunch. The leaders kept warning them that recalcitrant little ones would be locked up with the monkeys. I don't think these savvy girls bought that threat at all. :)

Between all the slowness, the boisterousness, the curiosity, and the girly giggles, there were sweet moments that reminded me of the happiness I have been seeking (and finding) during this 40 day project. The girls were happily taking care of each other in that they were in buddies. To be six or seven and holding the hand of a buddy to make sure that no one is lost. The joy of seeing a lion playing with a box and the shear wonder of what is in the box. Swinging from low branches and worrying only about the moment.

The most amazing thing that I witnessed was the self-less sharing of Girl Scout cookies with an older woman. The girls knew that she was part of the Girl Scouts somehow because she had an official badge and was dressed in Girl Scout Gear. They had no idea that she is the CEO of Eastern Massachusetts. All they knew is that she was obviously a sister scout and she must need a snack. The photographers loved the scene and were snapping photos, so I am sure that it will appear somewhere. The girls were just being sweet. Not expecting anything in return. Isn't it a shame that we can't be a little more self-less. A little more concerned with other people's hunger and not worried about how we will look to the outside world. Today's happiness lesson came at an appropriate time in this project and it well noted.

Thank you little scouts for teaching this former Scout a thing or two.

Day 38: New do

Today was another hectic day. Why do we do this to ourselves? Instead of living life, we are being driven by it, eh? Or am I the only one who feels this way? From 8am until after 8 pm today I was carting little people around, making trips to and from school, pick ups, drop offs, school, appointments, Daisy Scouts, etc. Then finally a few moments to just be: a pedicure. I just wanted to be quiet and not hear complaints. I wanted to contemplate my crappy glass of wine and relax with my sister-in-law. Relax we did, but in the background this nagging feeling that I had forgotten something. Then it hit me. I had forgotten to savour the day. I was so busy doing and checking off things, that I did not savor.

Newly resolved, I tried to be in the moment, even when I had to crunch over a broken beer bottle in my thin flip flops whilst picking up a bit of curry from our neighborhood Indian watering hole. Finally, a warm meal, not prepared by me this week. One that I love: Peshwari naan and vegetable korma. Heavenly.

Oh, and the best laugh of the day? Caroline wanted to give her Papa a new hair-do. He innocently agreed and did not realize that she was weilding nail scissors. Now he has a new bald spot. Hopefully, the hair will grow before he returns to work after Easter. Thank God for vacations!!!

Caroline has been crying non-stop since the scissor incident. I convinced her to draw a sorry card for Papa. She did and included the cutest "mad face of Papa" drawing.

Day 37: Barbie

Today is the day that we have been waiting for, in just a few hours my sister-in-law will be here. After all the running around, all the errands, all the cleaning, and all the anticipation, I am a little pooped. Nothing a coffee can't help though.

So as soon as I finish here, I am going to run to vacuum the car at the car wash, and get a few flowers to spruce up the place. Then time for the trek to the airport. I love the airport, it is the only place I know where everyone is hurrying to sit down for at least an hour. Plus, if you are delayed, it is like a place without time in someways, because you are forced to sit and, gasp, wait. How great is that? You must stop what you are doing, and if you are actually flying, you are paying for that! :)

The reason that Barbie popped into my head is that my daughters placed their flowers in her room. These are their new special flowers from my cousin's baby shower last Sunday. The arrangement is a bright pink Barbie coloured vase with Barbie colored gerbera daisies. So to follow, here is a great, happy song to help you get your Barbie groove on:

Day 36: The Deep Clean

Our house is all abuzz because tomorrow my husband's sister and our kids' dear Tante (Aunt) is flying over the pond to visit us. We have been excited to see her since we left her at the Koeln (Cologne) train station back in December. We knew that we were going to be together again in a few short months. It was a sad goodbye, but not devastating...plus the kids all got marshmallow pigs after we said goodbye which sweetened the blow.

For the past weeks, as part of this happiness project, we have been busy cleaning, pitching items, and donating everything that is salvageable. Today, my mother and I kicked this into a new high when we purged a lot of things from the basement monster. We recycled what we could, we donated what we could, and we threw everything else away. My husband actually asked me where our basement was. I took this as a huge compliment.

I also found out something exciting: My son loves, loves, loves, loves to do the laundry. I think we have found a new way to get our 14+ loads done each week! I keep wondering at which pace our washer will wear out (we air dry a lot of things, so that is not as many loads) since the national average is 6-8 loads per family. So far, knock on wood, our machines are holding up nicely and are spinning as we speak.

Tonight, the entire family rearranged the playroom into the adult oasis pictured above. I hope my sister-in-law appreciates that it was weeks of toy removal and repurposing that allowed for this glorious event to happen. With three kids we had so many toys in that small space that you could not even walk in there. The only surface that was clear for months was the treadmill.

This project prompted me to start the deep clean. It is theraputic and is making life so much easier. The best thing is that my son has been so calm for the past two weeks. He is a joy to be around and is truly shining as the star he is. So break out your dust cloths and trash bags...and get some happiness!

This Elton John song is my all time favorite travel song. Safe travels to all traveling today and tomorrow.

Day 35: The Fishetary

Today Fishy joined the big blue sky of fishes. Fishy died of injuries sustained while in the garbage disposal. I did not tell the children before school because I was afraid to ruin their entire day. Instead, I waited until homework was completed and then told Caroline that her beloved Fishy had gone back home to God.

As you can imagine Caroline is very upset. We had a very solemn and emotional graveside burial and then the children decided to build a Fishetary.

The only bright side of the day today was when I bought this little guy for my hubby. Garden gnomes drive him insane and I think that I am pretty funny.


Here is one of our favorite songs to help improve the mood.

Day 34: Surviving the Garbage Disposal

Last night was an emotional night for our kids. Their beloved Fishy accidentally fell into the garbage disposal as my husband was changing its water. He felt bad for the fish's dirty water and wanted the fish to have some nice clean water in which to swim. His first reaction was that the fish had gone for a swim into the sewer system.

For almost a year now, we have been changing the water in the sink on the same side as the garbage disposal. Until last night there was never any inadvertent journeys down the drain. My husband was upset. I think not so much that he had done this, but because Caroline took it so hard. She won him last year at a school sponsored Bingo game. We never even realized that she was so attached to it.

As everyone was panicking, I realized that the Fishy could still be in the garbage disposal since that was the side of the water changing. Some how, I unwrapped myself from a hysterical Caroline and a panicked Gregory and fetched a light to shine down the disposal. There at the bottom was Fishy! I was worried about putting our hands down the thing for fear if it came on, so Benedikt fished Fishy out using two spoons.

To our amazement, Fishy was alive. Breathing. Scales missing, but breathing. In shock on its side, but breathing.

Last night, Caroline wrote this note to Fishy:


It was a sweet sentiment from a sweet girl for her beloved pet fish. This card is a keeper, though for now it is next to Fishy's bowl helping the convalescing fish on its way.

Last night and today's lesson have truly been to savor the moments of childhood innocence and wonder. Believe in miracles. Not count on things being gone if there is even a millimeter's possibility of a positive outcome. And to always change the fish over a sieve!

Here's a little Robbie Williams that fits the theme:

Day 33: A Whole New Attitude

Isn't it amazing what a difference a day can make to an attitude. Today, along with a sunshine day, the dawn brought with it a new attitude for me. Gone were the feelings of a despondent 15 year old, that the night had left me with. Instead, in its place was a feeling of hope and a bit of anxiousness when it was realized that both girls had outgrown their Spring cardigans and we had a baby shower in less than one hour!

Like this blooming flower above, my attitude was blossoming and proved to make way for a rather enjoyable day. Funny how that happens. It is much better to start the day in a positive manner, it just seems to continue the whole day through. We had a fabulous time feting my cousin and her soon to be daughter. Then we enjoyed the movie "Hop" immensely. It is really such a great movie and one I highly recommend!

After the shower and the movie, I was totally energized to tackle the trash on our front lawn. I really don't understand it. What possesses people to throw their trash out of their moving cars? We recovered a whole trash bag of other peoples disgusting trash from the lawn. Thankfully, we all wore gloves. It is a chore I hate to do, but one that we have to do because we end up looking like the slobs! So bye-bye winter's worth of trash. Hello, Spring!

Today was about renewal. And really isn't that what this project is all about? Me thinks this whole project has been one big winner and that it is not really a project that will stop at day 40. So buckle up and enjoy the next seven days because I have a few tricks up the proverbial sleeves.

Here's a great look behind the scenes of the remake of "I Want Candy." Enjoy!

Day 32: Party Pooper?

Today I feel like a party pooper. My mouth wrinkles are decidedly down and not even the thought of watching my favorite show tonight is making me feel any better. I want to be alone and I want to be out and about. I want to scream in aggravation, and I want to want to run through fields. Yet, grouchy Greta is all that seems to be around me today. I know what is wrong, but I don't want to admit it outloud.

See it all started about 23ish years ago. I was sick with a fever and I was in a fight with a friend. I was being dumped from the group for not being cool enough and I was spitting mad, and also, did I mention I had a very high fever? I was delirious. I wrote a quite flowery letter comparing said friend and the new friend that I was dumped for to Don Quijote and Sancho Panza. Now it was stupid and ridiculous for me to 1. leave a note for my friend, 2. to compare her and this girl to Don Quijote and Sancho Panza, and 3. sealing doom on my high school years. I didn't want to be Baby in the corner (yes, that was a Dirty Dancing nod), and I knew that I would never be the cool one. I just wanted to exist and get the hell out of high school.

See I was not the type that wanted to be a cheerleader (no offense), or be Ms. Popular, my goal was to simply to survive my adolescent hell and get into university as quickly as I possibly could. However, all of that was derailed in a few moments of febrile idiocy that allowed me to "break" up my friendship of many years with a girl that I had been very close to. It was a hellish time and after a week of blackouts caused by fevers and being really sick, I returned to school forgetting that on the last day in school - and coincidentally, the day the fevers started and the day I wrote the stupid letter - I had written a really terrible letter. However, more than half the class was a mean as fire to me for months after I returned. If it wasn't for the girls on the softball team, I would have left the school. They convinced me that I should stick it out. Funny to think it was all caused by a letter. But one that forever forged a rift between my former good friend and I. And a letter that sealed my fate as having the worst sophomore year in high school history.

Now, why in the world would I be thinking about this now? And why would that one episode be coloring my day today all these years later? Fast forward through the rest of high school. Even though the incident was eventually brushed under the rug, it forever scarred me. I don't think any one involved remembers probably, but the girl I compared to Don Quijote, as leading the girls around and deciding who would do what, was loved by most of the class and she hated me. She tormented me the rest of the second year of secondary schooling and then was just plain snide and rude the rest of our time together. Small girls' schools with 42 classmates leave little room to hide. So, when I think of horrible days in high school her face pops up in my head and still brings a gasp to my throat - I have forgiven, but I am having a hard time with the forgetting piece. It is probably the one silly piece of baggage that I really bring with me from that time. But really, at 15 who doesn't want to just belong? Who wants to be the outcast? Who wants to feel like crap because of a stupid note written in a fit of stupidity? No one, that is who.

Tonight, there is a gathering of all the girls called together by my former tormenter. The invites were sent via Facebook weeks ago and though I received one, via someone else, I decided to politely decline. But now that we are one hour away from the event, I kind of am regretting it and kind of want to go to see everyone, not Ms. 'Tude, but the rest of our class. I just can't get myself to go out that door. So, instead, I am sitting here drinking a rather nice India Pale Ale from the Cisco Brewery in Nantucket and thinking...a terrible thing.

So, even though I am not there, here is my fav tune from that angst ridden times. Simple Minds. Simply divine.

Day 31: Guiness Ice Cream!

This photo has been used before in this blog, but it was just so fitting for the subject, that I could not resist using it again. So, please forgive me using it twice during this project.

Today was a crazy day that started out with me forgetting my trusty sidekick: my cell phone. A day without this apparatus sent shivers down my spine. A friend laughed at me and told me, "Time to go old school." See, I was trying to ditch a very much needed dance class to go home to get the darn thing. I was rationalizing that my kids could be sick and then I would not know it. Very sound reasoning I thought. Thankfully I listened to Paula and a bit of Zen returned to my life.

Today, was more than retro day, it was a milestone for me! For the first time since 1996 I was phoneless in the US. I have been overseas for extended periods of time since then cell-less, but this was here in the good ole US! The day was rather relaxing despite all of the errands I had to run. I was also watchless - my watch right now is my cell phone. It was cathartic to not be tied to a phone. I was unreachable and for the six hours I was off-line and off-phone it was great! I highly recommend going old school for a day. :)

After all my errands and two school pick ups, my twins had an ice cream party with their Daisy Girl Scout troop with their father. It was Me and My Guy day. My son was devastated that he could not be their guy, so I took him to a local ice cream place called Jay Gee's. I have never been there and was pleasantly surprised to find very fun flavors.

I am not a big ice cream fan, so exotic flavors are what entice me to try the cold stuff. I am a big fan of red bean ice cream, sweet corn ice cream, rock melon ice cream. So today I had to try Guinness! Beer and ice cream. A great concept, but I am still not convinced that it is the best combination. I followed that taste up with something called Easter Basket. Now this was up my alley. Pink ice cream with Cadbury eggs, Peeps (marshmallow bunnies coated in sugar) and miniature marshmallows. I have to say, it brought me to my childhood happy place.

So, my wish for you is to find a crazy ice cream flavor and see if it helps you to get to the happy place. Here is a great song by Rascal Flatts to help!

Day 30: The Zoo of Life

Sometimes life feels like a zoo here in my little world. With all the rushing around, animal tactics of fighting that go one with my cubs, it is sometimes hard to see peace and tranquility. However, there are always little moments of joy that are intersperced with all of the frenzy.

Today's little moments of peace were:
1. Going shopping with my mother and Godmother. It was great to just be and not be climbed on, pulled, interrupted, etc.

2. A few spare moments to move all the junk out of the back of the minivan so that my fab new chair could be placed there for the trip from the store to our garden. (It is so heavy that it is in the car waiting for my husband to come home!)

3. Hearing my son sing "A weem-oh-way, a weem-oh-way" on the way home unprompted

4. A few sips of Fresca at lunch. Fresca is my favorite soda in the world. When I lived in D.C. one of my friends at work called it Erika's drink. :)

Here's a little diddy to remind you of the calm in the zoo. Even animals must sleep at some point!

Day 29: Happiness is a Bulls Eye

A little mouthful of heaven. Chewy goodness that reminds one of childhood and penny candies. A smile in a wrapper. These are all phrases that describe the euphoria that washes over me when I have a bulls eye, or caramel creme as they are often called. As a child, I would save my pennies to buy these at the corner store.

During my teenage years, when I was a grocery store clerk, I have very fond memories of working Friday night or Saturday night and being a bit bored because the stocking was complete for the night and we had to break down the shelves. Now for the uninitiated breaking down means making all the shelves look pretty with plenty of product moved to the edge in a uniform fashion to fool the shopper into thinking there is more and to make sure they purchase the pretty labels. Anyway, during those nights a bag of bulls eyes were always found to be damaged. Since the market would send the damaged wrapper back, the inside product had to be eaten because it would have been thrown in the trash, which is just wasteful.

Looking back, I see the immorality of damaging so many bags of these little gooey goodnesses, but at the time, I did not understand what we grocery folk did was actually wrong. We rationalized that no one lost money on the deal because it was damaged the wrapper was being sent back.

Today, my son and I found a giant bag of these candies. I never buy them and felt propelled to recklessly place down the $1.99 that would liberate the bag from the store and into the trunk of my car. Before the bag could be put into the car, however, a few little bundles of joy were enthusiastically calling my name and my son's name. It would have been rude to ignore them, so of course we had to nibble on them.

I had a wretched morning. Kids pretending to be sick to the point that we were late getting out the door. A son who was yelling at everyone because he forgot his shoes in the car (he wore boots yesterday). Crabby little moi. And just plain aggravation. Luckily, the annoyance wore off and by the time I picked up my son up from pre-school, I was already well on the way to a better mood. The caramel cremes just ensured that the smile stayed on my lips for the rest of the afternoon. Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy.

This Rick Astley song sums up how I feel about caramel cremes! -and dates me.