This journey has been a wonderful journey back to me. It is actually a surprising find along the way. For the first time in years, I woke up feeling like me. I was energized and ready to start the day. It was so fantastic. The catching up on lost sleep is probably the best part of this project, because in that way I have been finding parts of me that have been buried deep in sleep deprivation, children tugging on me, and a million other things.
Years ago, if anyone would tell me that I would lose so much of myself in such a short time, I would not have believed you. And though the reasons are three fantastic reasons. I have missed myself. I have become a stressed, screechy person. I am sure that I am not fun to be around. I went from being the Happy Hour Queen to the Queen of the Cranky. A title I want to relinquish. Does anyone want it?
The things that used to define me and my person have evaporated. I have lost my name in the process. I have become someone I do not recognize in the mirror most days. My eyes are tired, my body is not the same shape. My days are surrounded with little people and their daily grind. I have been tugged in every direction possible. Life is chaotic and upside down on a good day. Often I feel as though I do not contribute to society in a meaningful way. In short, I am a stay at home mom who is very over qualified with degrees hanging on the wall that are not being used.
Finding some worth in the midst of trying to find happiness is such a bonus. And now that I think about it, how was I thinking I would find happiness without rediscovering and reloving myself? I think women of our generation were sold a giant lie. We were told we could be anything we wanted to be career wise. We were told that we could earn what a man does or more! We were told that we could have a family and balance work without any problems. We were taught that being a stay at home mother was so 50s and so not worthwhile. I want a refund!
We can have all those things listed above with major sacrifices or we can just be as we need to be at that particular time in our lives and not feel the guilt for not being a Super woman. I hope our daughters grow up and appreciate that they can do whatever they want and be whomever they want without the guilt of having to be the best of the best at everything. I hope my daughters will find careers that are fulfilling and families that are loving. I hope that they are supported when/if they decided to put career on hold to raise a family. I hope that they are the best persons that they can be and feel their worth in gold.
This song has been bouncing around my head all day. So I share it with you:
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