My dirty little secret.

Sometimes I feel as though my dirty little secret is bigger than Mount Morency Falls. It is bigger than life itself. Last night I let a couple of friends in on my "dirty little secret." I finally fessed up to a few more friends that I have changed my diet to a vegan diet. This group of friends proved to be quite supportive. And I joked at the end that it was my dirty little secret. One friend corrected me and said that it is my clean little secret. But then that got me to thinking... I really do have a dirty little secret... my kids are driving me to drink. There I said it. I am so far pushed over the edge, that I don't see any light in the tunnel. Not one little peep. Sad isn't it... between my son's constant meltdowns, my daughters' pouty replies and the elephant in the room (son has figured out that he is different, but we are not sure at 6 he is ready for the title of it...)...so what's a girl to do? I wish I knew.

Day... um... what day is it any way?

This lovely photo was taken a year ago...See I don't even know which year it is! In all seriousness, I so wanted this blog to turn into a year ofs. A check in a day to see how I am doing on the vegan front. Not that I don't want to check in daily, it is just that I had the idea two weeks into the project and then I was woefully behind and tried to check in a whole bunch of days in one sitting... the result. Blogger burn-out. Throw in three little kids, a novel in progress, finding a new text book for a class I am teaching, and did I mention three kids off of their camp schedule? You get the picture.

So here I am on day I have no idea what number and I am feeling so much better - minus a Burger King snafu earlier this week I have managed to stay vegan all of last week and all of this week. I was told my a loving relative that the veg burgers at Burger King are vegan. I was so excited that I did not even check for myself. I can tell you 100% for sure there was some dairy in there. And later I realized that there was even some egg... so much for Burger King embracing a plant based diet! - However, that said the sweet potato fries were delish. Even my son liked them. And he is the pickiest eater this side of the Mississippi.

Speaking of which, I stunned two carnivores in our local Indian place the other night. I did not even realize that they could hear me. I was talking to my husband about my father and his asthma, rheumatoid arthritis and other ailments and telling my husband that my dad would be living so much happier on a plant based diet. My husband said that the two aforementioned women nearly fell out of their seats. Luckily, I could not see them, because I think I may have just lectured them on the little friends they were eating. Which leads me to this picture... see cute to feed, not to feed on. Peace out.

Day 13: Energized!

I woke up so energized today! If I knew how great I would feel so quickly, I think I would have done this years ago. Funny, I was vegetarian until living in Southern Spain squashed my abilities to eat vegetarian while living in the dorms. I was so sick for months. I should have just returned to my veg roots once I was back on US soil, but then decided that I never wanted to be that sick again. Seems silly to me now. Though there have been many places where I have traveled over the years where it would have been impossible to eat vegetarian. I guess this one will have to be a shoulda, woulda, coulda, glad I finally did.

Day 12: Olympic Fever

Tonight the 2012 Olympics kicked off. We decided to celebrate in grand style with our little ones. We have made an Olympic board to track the countries that we have each chosen: Papa (Great Britain), Mama (China), Daughter (Japan), Daughter (Germany) and Son (USA). We also had a party of sorts:

Vegan Spinach dip with tortilla chips
Spaghetti with meatballs and meetballs for me
and vegan vanilla cupcakes.

It was quite a feast and we have a ton left over. Hope my, I mean our, teams do well...

Day 11: Side of fries.

Today, I decided to try some french fries. They are vegan, right? Well, as yummy as I thought they would be, they left me feeling icky. Now trying to be scientific about this, I will have to try them out somewhere else. Who knows it could just be the oil at the restaurant that I was at. I felt a bit smug that I was eating vegan and eating french fries.

Day 10: Chickens are friends, not nuggets.

Hubby called home today from Seattle. He asked me how things were going with my quest so I answered, "Chickens are friends, not nuggets." I thought I was cute. The sentence managed to gross him out. He is a great guy. He, my German born and bred, pork loving, beef munching husband is on board with eating vegan when he is home. I am hoping that long term, he will change to a plant based diet. I so want him to try it. To see how much better he can feel. Though he is not the one with lots of complaints, that is my department. So, for today, I am thankful that he is trying a mostly veg existence with some fish thrown in there. He needs to read about those fish farms. It will stop him...

Day 9: Can I have a cheeseburger with that?

I was asking my three darlings if they would like to try a veggie burger. They said no. But then one of the twins stopped and turned around and asked if she could have a cheeseburger with that. Um... NO? What? A cheeseburger with a veggie burger. This kid is just not getting it is she? One step at a time. I am curious if they will join me on the veg side of life at the end of this experiment. I say experiment because I am trying to do a year of vegan living and if everything goes as I think it will... then it will be a permanent life change. If not, then I have made some very healthy choices. Time will tell.

Day 8: Grande Soy Latte!

It is so nice to be able to go to Starbucks. It is the little things that are making this transition so easy. I wanted a coffee... I could actually have a coffee with caffeine and some latte to boot. Thank you Starbucks for having a soy option on the menu. Many other locations could take a note from you. Now if only there is something we can do with unruly children. :)

Day 7: Celebration...and goodbyes.

Today was a day of celebration and sadness as we bid cousins farewell (for now) as they embark on the next part of their life journey. I had not told them that I am trying to change to a vegan lifestyle. Mainly because if I fail, I would rather do it here in the anonymity of the Internet. Ironic, isn't it? Anyway, my mother decided to have a fajita bar for lunch, which was superb! I brought my own vegan sour cream and chemical free tortilla (why are so many tortillas filled with chemicals?) - no one seemingly noticed. In addition, the jicama mango salad I brought was a hit. So a few steps forward... hopefully this is it.

Day 6: Back on the vegan wagon

Still feeling blah! this morning. I wish that I had never had that sausage last night. The worst part? I did not even enjoy it. I opened the fridge today and our vegetables look like they have multiplied over night. The funny thing is that I have not purchased anything since last Sunday. How many veggies did we buy??  I am still missing a few things, such as gooey cheese, but the thought of another attack has put me off of dairy. I also started reading "Veganist." In college I was a member of PETA, so I do know of the atrocities at the slaughter houses for our meat, but I had let it all sit in the back of my head and tried to happily live my life with that bit of information filed. Thanks to "Veganist" my resolve to become a vegan for life has been more than 100 fold bumped up. Day by day, step by step, I am giving up all that our society tells us is our source of food. Why isn't this information more available? Damn industries...

Day 5: Epic fail... I'm just a vegan wanna be.

I was so good all day, then the little devil in me just had to say try the one little sausage... it is yummy porky pork with a little bit of cheese and tomato. What the stomach did was revolt! With in 15 minutes of eating the tiny piece of sausage with cheese and tomato, my stomach seized up and I had a lovely allergy attack. I have been home all day and around our guest for quite some time... I am now convinced that I must become a vegan for my stomach and sinus issues. Bye, bye cheese of my dreams...and all things dairy like this lovely dessert...

Day 4: Vegan for life or for now?

Today I am trying to decide if I want to stay vegan for life or just for now. It is a tough decision, but already after such a short amount of time I can see the upside to turning vegan (there should be a theme song with that...) I digress. My stomach does not hurt me for the first time in forever. Wait, back up, I notice that my stomach is not hurting me. That means that I have been living with a hurting stomach for quite some time. Also, after almost two days without dairy, my sinuses are cleared up and my stomach ache is gone. Tomorrow we are having company from Germany and am expected to make a MEAT meal involving copious amounts of pork. I have decided to make all the sides vegan to leave me the option to eat the meat or be a good little vegan in training.

Day 3: The confession

Ok, I confess, I jumped off of that vegan cleanse train faster than you can say vegan cleanse train. It was the worst two days of my life that I inflicted on myself. But as the saying goes, there was a silver lining. For the first time in four years, I can breathe. Not just take breaths, but really breath, through my nose. I have been stuffy for my entire life, the past four years have been getting worse and worse. This no dairy stuff for my sinuses is actually working and I thought my doctor was a quack when he suggested it. Smell that? Well I do and it is lovely and airy.

Back to my confession, are you wondering what I had instead of leafy vegetable juice last night? Well, there was a cheese pizza involved and a salad. I was doubled over in pain within ten minutes of eating the oozy goodness...or should I say oozy evil slice of pie. Could I have some dairy allergy or intolerance? Hmmm...

So, today, I have been following a full vegan diet and have a stomach ache, but other than that feel wonderful.

Day 2: What @#$@%Q was I thinking?

Day two sucks. It is now midafternoon and all I want is bread. I don't even like bread that much. Also, I have a throbbing headache and need to pee every 10 minutes. The peeing thing is worse than yesterday? I am about to give up. I will suck it up and just switch to vegan minus this horrid cleanse. I think this cleanse was created by sadistic people. This is just not sustainable. I feel like that green goo up there!

Day 1: Monday, July 16, 2012 - The cleanse begins

Ok, breakfast was a major downer. I thought I was going to asphyxiate on the cinnamon in my lovely baked apples. I don't care what cinnamon does, I can't stand the itching in my throat. I am not hungry...the worst part is the slight headache from the lack of caffeine and the constant peeing. Do vegans really pee this much? God help me! - and yawn. I am so tired... I need coffee. Did I mention that the cleanse cuts out all coffee... I am not going to make it through this. Also, I have to pee every 15 minutes which is a major problem with a little thing called life thrown in there. I hope tomorrow is better... I am off to bed at 8.

Sunday, July 15, 2012: What the @#@$#% are we getting ourselves into?

Tomorrow we are about to embark on a crazy new regime. In a last ditch effort to try to get my metabolism jumped, I am cutting out dairy and trying a juicing 15 day cleanse. The woman at Whole Foods today looked at me like I was a nut... So tomorrow begins a new year and hopefully a new me. For even though this is just a 15 day cleanse, I plan to switch to vegan for the foreseeable future. I am not expecting many changes, so maybe this time something will work. Oh, and to back track, I was vegetarian for several years in my youth so I am thinking this is doable. Please wish me luck! and bye-bye all foods I know.

Words no woman wants to hear...

Tonight my son uttered the words that I never knew I never wanted to hear, but when I did, I knew that they were actually the words no one would ever want to hear: "Mama, you look like Hagrid. Well, not exactly like Hagrid, you know you don't have the beard." Gee, thanks Son. I have given up my life for you, I turned my world upside down for you, every extra cent is sent your way son. I even give up haircuts for you my son. The boy who I love. I don't care if Hagrid is your favorite character, I DO NOT LOOK LIKE HIM!

Even Mommas need a time out.

Today, I feel like sitting in the corner, throwing a tantrum and having a good cry. Sometimes, even mommas need a time out. It has been a stressful winding up to the end of the year month. Why do schools have to squash three months of activities into the last two to three weeks? Don't then know that this causes this momma in particular to go around the bend and wonder if there is any light in the future, ever. Thankfully, school ends in a week and a half. By then though, they may have tried to squeeze in a  few more months of activities.

Serendipity

It is weird how life works sometimes. Yesterday I saw a family that I was sure I knew. Then it hit me, they were in line in front of us for almost an hour as we waited for the Easter Bunny back in March. I did not know these people from Adam, but for some reason, they crossed my path again yesterday as we watched a local Memorial Day parade that my daughters were marching in. What a small world. I wonder why they were put into my pathway...

Ever feel like a burro?

This week, I have been feeling a bit like this burro. A little neglected. A little over worked. and... Totally disrespected. Really, how many people praise the donkey for its hard work and cute looks? Many complain that they are lazy, but have you ever seen how much they can actually pull? Despite their loud cries, they are actually a wonderful little animal. So from now on, when life has left me feeling like this  burro, I will hold my head up high and sing....

It's Wednesday and I Feel Weary

Is it Friday, yet? Seems to me that this week is so long that it could have been two weeks already! Ever have those weeks? Everything is whipping by you, you are try to catch on, but it keeps going and going and going. There is never an end in sight. But then Wednesday morning, early, before you really get going, when you are wondering if you can make it to the midway point of this thing called the week. There is that brief moment between waking up and functioning when your mind is spinning and you are trying to figure out the best way to navigate the week. That is when it hits you. There is no way this week is going to end. I have those weeks when my husband is away on business. Guess who is not here this week? Thus, the super, duper long week. The light at the end of the tunnel? We are staring down the eyes of a lovely long weekend complete with a bank holiday on Monday. Hope you are having a better week.

Mama Feels Ancient

Wow! That is bright. For some reason I woke up today feeling ancient. Years ago, eight years ago to be exact, a student told me that 32 was ancient. I laughed and pull that story out now and again to point out how silly youth are.

Today, I feel as old as the sun and am creaking around to prove it. In less than 40 days, I will be ancient. My ancient. 40. I am sure that once this milestone is achieved the new 40 will be 80. But for now on the dawn of my last month in the 30s, I feel ancient and am sticking to it. Perhaps having three rambunctious little ones is adding to my state right now. 

I hope I feel less ancient after another cup of coffee.

Mommy's Wee Small Hours

It's funny how in the wee small hours of the morning (you know, the precious time from when you wake up and the minutes later when your small children wake up), for those few small moments, something divine happens. You feel refreshed, the world seems well, and if it is sunny,  bonus! My brood just woke up, so my wee small hours are done, but I hope you savoured yours this morning.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Today as I logged onto Facebook to check out statuses and whatnot, I realized thanks to the handy dandy birthday reminder that today would have been my cousin's 48th birthday. She died suddenly earlier this year leaving behind her 21 year old son and not a day goes by that I think of her. We were not particularly close, and she had a horribly hard life, but there was a spark there that made you think about her and wonder what would have happened if she did not have such a hard life.

I wanted to say happy birthday on Facebook,  but how could I? Her page is still up and people are posting there, but it just doesn't seem right somehow. So instead, I decided to say a little prayer and to post this here.

You never do know what life will deal you, so tell your loved ones that you love them and don't be cross over stupid things.

Happy Mother's Day!

Once upon a time, there was a child who while laying in the grass saw a white balloon drift over her head. It was a warm day, and the grass was cool. The child tried to imagine her life 30 years in the future. She tried and she tried, but could not. Thirty years seemed like an eternity to a ten year old. Her life was unimaginable outside of the there and then. Seems fitting on this Mother's Day that the image of myself resting in the fresh, Spring grass on a gentle slope with fluffy clouds and a lone balloon floating by resurfaced from my deep memory.

I had totally forgotten about it. Until just a few moments ago when I realized that this life is sometimes not what I would have ever imagined. The constant fights of three children are never far from my ears. Even the priest at Mass today mentioned the way he and his siblings fought back in the days before he was priestly.

So, I guess that sibling rivalry is as old as dirt and that I just have to accept it. The only child in me wants to stamp her foot and resist.

I hope you have a great Mother's Day -free of all the stressful bits.

Monday, again?

This morning I woke up ala Groundhog Day thinking it was Monday. I ran through the whole list in my head of all the things and all the places I had to be. It was exhausting. I should know, in reality, I collapsed into bed last night weary from the day and glad that it was done for the week. Mondays in our household are manic.

As a child, I did what all the other children did from our neighborhood did: went to a school in our town, did activities in our town, and played, yes, played with the other neighborhood children. All ten of us played together. It was delightful for our parents. They openned the door and a bus took us to school. They opened a door and a  bus took us home. They opened a door and the piano teacher arrived. They opened a door and bid us good day in the morning. They opened a door at dusk and called our named. The door. That is what I remember most from my childhood. The open invitation of the door to new adventures and the bike to an innocent freedom.

We were the last innocent generation. We were older when Atari introduced it's first video games. We were intrigued with our state of the art cable television channel changer with its long cord and slide changer. We listened to the radio and 8 Tracks. We loved our vynyl and were not too sure about the new fangled cassette tapes. We knew of computers, but none of us had one. We either wrote it by hand or typed it out. We had to learn how to, gasp, spell, because there was no spell check back then. Sometimes, I wish my children lived when I did. They can't even phathom a day with out a cell phone...I think they would pass out if they had to listen to AM radio...

Mom's lending library?

Over the course of my children's lives I have tried to instill in them a love and respect for books. While they are voracious readers, I have yet to see them actually put any books back on their shelves. They are on the staircase between the spindles, they are on the floor, they are interspersed in the art center, they are on the sofa, they are even flung around the car with abandon.

A friend of mine is the librarian at a local jail. She was telling me how she has to dole out paper one piece at a time and they are only allowed three pieces. I am thinking of taking all the books and locking them up in a closed stack with a "catalogue" of sorts where the children can request up to three books at one time, however, if they are not returned, they will be subjected to reading "Harriet, You Drive Me Wild!" for months on end. Perhaps then my lovely cherubs will actually not only love reading books, but also respect their books.

Mommy's Tantrum

Germany seems like a wisp of a dream from last week. Already, the vestiges of vacation have let their grasp weaken and not even one week into real life, I have snapped. at. my. three. darling. children. I need a drink. or a shoulder to cry upon.

Today, I am feeling like having a meltdown. I have watched for years as my little boy unable to express himself has slipped into such temper tantrums that only a parent of a child with Asperger's or some similar thing could possibly understand. Tonight, I am beginning to see what this frustration bubbling over feels like. It started yesterday actually.

The girls had a play date and left their paper scraps, scissors, markers, crayons and mats all over the living room. Seeing that they will be 8 this summer, I decided that they should clean it up by themselves. After asking three times for them to clean up yesterday, I made the mistake of letting them go to bed with the task undone. Then this morning before school, I again asked, but in the hubbub of trying to get out the door, etc. I forgot to check if it was completed.

Today I decided to stay home to do some cleaning and purposely left the living room floor for the children to deal with. After dinner, I again asked them to clean this mess up. Our son decided to clean up some toys from the dining room table, so I told him he did not need to do the clean up if he was doing other clean up. The girls decided when they heard this that they could scan through iTunes for songs to play, play with a doll house that was already put away while claiming they were cleaning, staple another craft, and punch hearts into a paper. All the while, I was losing my steam.

So, I admit it, I did what my parents would have done more than 30 years ago: I lost my stuffing and started to scream. I screamed and I screamed. I felt beads of blood begin to boil in my veins. My head was close to exploding. All over 20 little scraps of paper, 3 pairs of scissors and two tubs of crayons and markers. Really what did I accomplish? After shedding some tears, the girls finally cleaned up the mess. A two minute project took over 60 minutes to complete and here I am steam abating, wondering just how they will remember tonight's incident.

On the upside, I felt the uncontrollable temper tantrum that Gregory experiences at least once a week. I felt the helplessness of not being able to control it. The silver lining is that I understand him a little more tonight. This photo was taken last week in Duisburg, Germany. It is a calming point for me right now. So I leave you with that and invite you to listen to Mr. Tambourine Man, sip some Malbec and relax with me. Cheers!

Another 10,000 step day...

Spring is truly here this week and I have been really trying to enjoy the weather outside. I just returned from a lovely 5 mile walk through the next town over. I meandered through lanes, I discovered nooks. Most of all I chatted with my college buddy and enjoyed nature. Even without my allergy medicine, I was able to enjoy being outside. A wonderful, new happening.

I have to run, but have a wonderful day/night. I hope that you find a moment to enjoy the here and now. Go outside, breathe some air, have fun!

Tranquility -what is that?

You see that picture up there? The one with the tranquil ocean? If you look closer, you will notice that the surf is beating into those rocks over and over and over. Ceaselessly pummeling those poor rocks. Today, that is quite how I feel.

Started the day with a funeral, the middle parts of it were funeral related, the rest of it has been peppered with three screaming and whining little people who are masquerading around as my children. My own dear children would never be so disrespectful and annoying. A colleague told me years ago, "Little children are like animals, they know when you are down and pounce on you." Olga's words from over ten years ago are echoing through my brain constantly. It is comforting actually, her Russian accent punctuates the sentiment and really makes the point drive home. I really miss her!

I tried to do 10,000 steps today, but with every waking moment devoted to either funeral stuff or kid stuff, I only managed to squeeze in a mere 35 minute fast clipped stroll around the neighborhood where my children take Karate. It was a nice walk, I dodged dogs and their owners, I was almost trampled by a stroller -twice, and I managed to somehow collect my thoughts and enjoy the first stroll of the year in short sleeves. See, despite all my belly aching, something wondrous happened here in New England: Spring visited us. This being New England, God knows how long the glorious weather will last. This year's winter has been a gem. I vote we keep these kinds of winters every year!

I hope you are having some tranquil moments and find the time to get some you time in too. Even a little spurt will do the mind and soul a whole lotta good. And if you are like me and are hiding from bath time, maybe you can even get a few sneaky minutes to update your own blog. Peace out...and if you are wondering, the photo was taken in Salt Cay, Turks and Caicos, a sleepy little island that time forgot.

10,000 steps and counting

Yesterday, between my belly aching about life and realizing that life is pretty damn good right now, I decided that I would up my challenge from a mere 30 minutes a day to a hopefully sustainable 10,000 steps a day. This is a concerted decision, I did not stumble upon it, rather I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

I stumbled upon a wonderful website from Australia - . think about what a wonderfully happy time of life we can all find, by making the time for us. Time for our health. Time for our families. We can do this as a virtual team, or we can do it alone, but most of all we just need to get moving.

This is easier than any of us think. I just realized that I actually did walk 10,000 steps yesterday. Thanks to a handy dandy walking map I have and a few calculations. When I combined my walking with my workout, it all came together. So grab a friend, set up a walking schedule, stick to it and lets see if we can do this for a month. March 10-April 10.

Back on the Treadmill of Life

The past months have been crazy to say the least. It is amazing what craziness one can find without even looking for it. Three kids in grammar school, writing classes, teaching classes, and trying to keep the head above water all add up for one overwhelmed mama. Who knew? Also, there is an impending 40th birthday looming on the horizon.

Since just after Christmas when my son gleefully told me that I was now 39 and a HALF, a slow panic punctuated with fear has taken hold of me. As I have been reassessing my life and all the ways it is not going the way I intended, somewhere along the path, a few sprigs of hope and remembrance have popped up and reminded me that I actually relish in taking the "path less traveled." My mother's pronouncement years ago that I go to the beat of my own drummer had always been a source of pride. Recently, I had forgotten my own credo to life, my way, and who I was.

How could this happen? I am well educated. In my possession are very expensive pieces of paper that prove I have a BA in International Relations, Hispanic Studies and underachiever that I am, a minor in International Economics. I have completed part of the Gran Diplom from Le Cordon Bleu, I have a Masters in Spanish Literature with focus on 20th Century Spanish and Latin American feminist literature. In my spare time I have been working on a Writing Certificate in Fiction Writing. I ran a half marathon AFTER having three kids and having never run a day in my life before I signed up. I am tenacious, gregarious, and fun. I am a full time caregiver to three wonderful little ones, the CEO and CFO of our family, can speak three languages fluently, have a wonderful set of friends from all the different stages of life and all of the places this wonderful life has taken me, I have seen more travels than most, my husband is wonderful, and my kids are my joys. Yet, none of this seemed to fill the void of nothingness that was my very sense of self.

Part of this is self-inflicted. I have a bar that is set so high, only a giant could even reach it. I have forgotten that the nitty gritty of living is what I have been doing for now. We once had a very exciting life, and right now maybe I just need to deal with the fact that I am not going to live the life of Reilly. I can remember what that once was. I can mourn the life the was so fun. The travels, the spontaneity, the joie de vivre. If I get caught up in that though, I will miss the quirks that make life fun. I will miss the rigidity of my son's life which has taught me that sometimes having a plan is OK. I will never be able to be as his Asperger little brain wants me to be, but I can start to have a plan. I can write things down, I can anticipate the spontaneous parts of life. Most of all I can savour what my children bring to the table. The little bits of wisdom that they unwittingly are teaching me. And I can learn to surrender to my destiny. I think living this life joyfully will encourage the freedom to enjoy life, versus the kicking and screaming I have been doing.

Most of all, I have to welcome myself back to the treadmill of life. I have set a new goal for the rest of this month: A minimum of 30 minutes a day on the treadmill with my spiffy new sneaks. The reward at the end of this endeavour? A lovely manicure...

So, won't you join me in treading back to life? Comment if you want to join in... we can virtually lean on each other and find the happiness of life, and a joy for life.