You see that picture up there? The one with the tranquil ocean? If you look closer, you will notice that the surf is beating into those rocks over and over and over. Ceaselessly pummeling those poor rocks. Today, that is quite how I feel.
Started the day with a funeral, the middle parts of it were funeral related, the rest of it has been peppered with three screaming and whining little people who are masquerading around as my children. My own dear children would never be so disrespectful and annoying. A colleague told me years ago, "Little children are like animals, they know when you are down and pounce on you." Olga's words from over ten years ago are echoing through my brain constantly. It is comforting actually, her Russian accent punctuates the sentiment and really makes the point drive home. I really miss her!
I tried to do 10,000 steps today, but with every waking moment devoted to either funeral stuff or kid stuff, I only managed to squeeze in a mere 35 minute fast clipped stroll around the neighborhood where my children take Karate. It was a nice walk, I dodged dogs and their owners, I was almost trampled by a stroller -twice, and I managed to somehow collect my thoughts and enjoy the first stroll of the year in short sleeves. See, despite all my belly aching, something wondrous happened here in New England: Spring visited us. This being New England, God knows how long the glorious weather will last. This year's winter has been a gem. I vote we keep these kinds of winters every year!
I hope you are having some tranquil moments and find the time to get some you time in too. Even a little spurt will do the mind and soul a whole lotta good. And if you are like me and are hiding from bath time, maybe you can even get a few sneaky minutes to update your own blog. Peace out...and if you are wondering, the photo was taken in Salt Cay, Turks and Caicos, a sleepy little island that time forgot.
Yesterday, between my belly aching about life and realizing that life is pretty damn good right now, I decided that I would up my challenge from a mere 30 minutes a day to a hopefully sustainable 10,000 steps a day. This is a concerted decision, I did not stumble upon it, rather I have been thinking about this for quite some time.
I stumbled upon a wonderful website from Australia - . think about what a wonderfully happy time of life we can all find, by making the time for us. Time for our health. Time for our families. We can do this as a virtual team, or we can do it alone, but most of all we just need to get moving.
This is easier than any of us think. I just realized that I actually did walk 10,000 steps yesterday. Thanks to a handy dandy walking map I have and a few calculations. When I combined my walking with my workout, it all came together. So grab a friend, set up a walking schedule, stick to it and lets see if we can do this for a month. March 10-April 10.
The past months have been crazy to say the least. It is amazing what craziness one can find without even looking for it. Three kids in grammar school, writing classes, teaching classes, and trying to keep the head above water all add up for one overwhelmed mama. Who knew? Also, there is an impending 40th birthday looming on the horizon.
Since just after Christmas when my son gleefully told me that I was now 39 and a HALF, a slow panic punctuated with fear has taken hold of me. As I have been reassessing my life and all the ways it is not going the way I intended, somewhere along the path, a few sprigs of hope and remembrance have popped up and reminded me that I actually relish in taking the "path less traveled." My mother's pronouncement years ago that I go to the beat of my own drummer had always been a source of pride. Recently, I had forgotten my own credo to life, my way, and who I was.
How could this happen? I am well educated. In my possession are very expensive pieces of paper that prove I have a BA in International Relations, Hispanic Studies and underachiever that I am, a minor in International Economics. I have completed part of the Gran Diplom from Le Cordon Bleu, I have a Masters in Spanish Literature with focus on 20th Century Spanish and Latin American feminist literature. In my spare time I have been working on a Writing Certificate in Fiction Writing. I ran a half marathon AFTER having three kids and having never run a day in my life before I signed up. I am tenacious, gregarious, and fun. I am a full time caregiver to three wonderful little ones, the CEO and CFO of our family, can speak three languages fluently, have a wonderful set of friends from all the different stages of life and all of the places this wonderful life has taken me, I have seen more travels than most, my husband is wonderful, and my kids are my joys. Yet, none of this seemed to fill the void of nothingness that was my very sense of self.
Part of this is self-inflicted. I have a bar that is set so high, only a giant could even reach it. I have forgotten that the nitty gritty of living is what I have been doing for now. We once had a very exciting life, and right now maybe I just need to deal with the fact that I am not going to live the life of Reilly. I can remember what that once was. I can mourn the life the was so fun. The travels, the spontaneity, the joie de vivre. If I get caught up in that though, I will miss the quirks that make life fun. I will miss the rigidity of my son's life which has taught me that sometimes having a plan is OK. I will never be able to be as his Asperger little brain wants me to be, but I can start to have a plan. I can write things down, I can anticipate the spontaneous parts of life. Most of all I can savour what my children bring to the table. The little bits of wisdom that they unwittingly are teaching me. And I can learn to surrender to my destiny. I think living this life joyfully will encourage the freedom to enjoy life, versus the kicking and screaming I have been doing.
Most of all, I have to welcome myself back to the treadmill of life. I have set a new goal for the rest of this month: A minimum of 30 minutes a day on the treadmill with my spiffy new sneaks. The reward at the end of this endeavour? A lovely manicure...
So, won't you join me in treading back to life? Comment if you want to join in... we can virtually lean on each other and find the happiness of life, and a joy for life.
Hi there. It has been a while, but since I am stuck in Honda getting the oil changed and whatever else it is that they do for a Schedule B service check, I have access to either this computer or ESPN on the TV. Since the World's Cup is over, I have no interest in ESPN on this scorching hot morning, so I thought I would finally update my blog.
So much has changed since I was here last: 1. My little guy is in a theraputic camp for kids with Asperger's and ADHD and loves, loves, loves it. Though the meltdowns are fewer and further between, the exhaustion this week has brought on a few.
2. Minding my own business, an adjunct position at a local college found me and I will be working for real for the first time in 7 years starting in September. And what a cushy schedule I found! Monday, Wednesday, and Friday one class from 10-11 and one class from 1-2 with 2-3 office hours in between. I have plenty of time to lesson plan between the two classes and do any correcting in that same period of time. I am very excited.
3. We are spending this summer home and what a difference in my stress levels from last year.
4. Operation Health has been a slow success. I have lost about 30 pounds since January, with a bulk of it since May 19th. My clothes are swimming on me, which is a great feeling, but I need to finally go shopping because everything is soooo big! :)
So, that is all the exciting news. I wish that my little guy could go to camp longer this summer. They are really helping him and if you are in a similiar situation, I suggest you suss out a therapeutic camp if you can. This camp is super expensive, but when I tell you how happy he is and how much he has grown in one week, I can't say enough!
I will check in more frequently as the summer goes on. For now, I am signing off and hoping you enjoy the heat and remember that it will be snowing before we know it.
Though spring has sprung, the temperatures in this neck of the woods have been not cooperating. It would be great to tiptoe amongst the tulips, breathing in the fragrant air. Unfortunately, that is not to be for this week it seems. Today, whilst at the market, I spied some beautiful bunches of daffodils. Normally, I would only buy tulips at this time of year, but the fragile blossoms of this sunny flower were just the pick-me-up that I needed today. So, into my basket this bunch of flowers went and onto our kitchen counter.
It is funny how such a small thing as a bunch of flowers can bring a smile to one's lips and a spark to the eye. These little yellow blossoms are reminding me of the renewal I have been looking for these past few weeks. Twenty days ago when I began to think about writing again and, more importantly, relaunching my blog, I was looking for a renewal. I had no idea where the journey would take me.
All that was known back then (it seems so long ago for some reason): 1. A renewal was needed 2. Stress management was non-existent 3. Our family was hectic 4. My creative self was smothered and thought lost
These few weeks have shown me that life is not so serious. I may not necessarily be back to my LA laid back ways, but I am heading in that direction. I've learned that I have no control over life. I can perhaps influence seemingly mundane things, but in the big picture so many balls have already been set in motion that I need to brave this journey as an active participant, but one that can't micromanage every turn and ebb.
This is important because I have started to enjoy my life again. There are still moments of complete insanity that can only come from having twins plus one so closely together. I am still getting my arms around this sibling thing. Being an only child, I imagined that having siblings was the best thing in the entire world: built in buddies, a shoulder to cry on, someone to always have your back, best friends. Instead, what I am finding to be true is that: there is a fierce love, but many, many fights are a normal occurrence. There will be hair pulling, pushing, screaming, love and hugs. One moment they share toys and snacks, the next they are squirreling them away. Through it all, friends have assured me this is normal. Yesterday this sibling fighting was brought to new heights when one identical twin said to the other identical twin in a fit of anger, "You are ugly!" I was so stunned. First of all that was a silly thing to say because her twin looks exactly like her. Then when I tried to explain to her the logical fallacy of her comment, she just looked at me like I was dumb.
Bringing me to the next thing I have learned about my life. My kids often think I am dumb. I have to understand, they do not mean it. They are little. Parents are sometimes dumb. I just hope when they are grown up they won't think so any longer.
I have also learned that I am not at fault for my son's Aspergers - a common occurrence to which many parents succumb. He is a wonderfully caring boy with a large heart. He is so smart and such a little charmer. It has been stressful learning how to deal with his outbursts, both verbal and physical. I realized something since I have been trying to be calmer: He is too! This is a win-win situation. Which is wonderful, because I am not afraid that he will hurt me any more. I am stronger to deal with ignorant people's comments about my little angel. Most importantly, we as a family are a stronger, more united unit.
This journey started with a simple task: record a bit of happiness that I tried to harness each day. One way I have been continually doing this is by cleaning up our house bit by bit. Our house is clean. The problem has been the clutter. One may ask how can it be clean and cluttered? Trust me, it is deep cleaned every week, then three little cyclones leave debris in their wakes daily. My husband and I have spent countless hours purging and rearranging. We are still not finished, but I am starting to see a shape to the rooms again. And we have gained a room in the process. The once overflowing playroom is now a Zen masterpiece. The kids actually want to hang out there again and I can sit with them. Quite a feat!
So, though I still have another twenty days to go on this project, I am starting to feel the renewal and even, a revival of my spirit. So far, I think this is a fabulous project and I can't wait to see where the rest of this journey takes me both physically and emotionally.
For the past few minutes, I have been letting my mind wander to my favorite piece by Antonio Vivaldi. Hope you enjoy it too!
As I have been carting family members all around today, it hit me that my mileage is a moot point, because really, all I am doing in moving through the motions of life's Ferris wheel. Even though I was technically collecting miles as the day progressed, I never did anything that is not part of the hectic routine of our Saturdays during the school year. Causing me to think of a hamster running around in a wheel or a person being caught on a Ferris wheel that never stops, just slows down to let more people on.
It's funny, for most people, the weekend is a time to relax, rejuvenate and recharge. For us, it is a time to run faster, fall harder and spin our wheels more frantically. We don't have a usual weekend in that our three children are enrolled in Saturday school for German and, thus, they must be up early and at school ready to continue their learning for the week. For us, it is a time to make multiple trips between appointments and getting children to classes for staggered times. Finding a moment to grab a cup of java (or orange juice in my case this morning) is a special and rare treat.
I guess that I will just need to take in the view from the top of the Ferris Wheel. Too bad the entire ride isn't as much fun as the London Eye. Still, I would rather be on this crazy ride with my family, than anywhere else in the world. And perhaps that is the best lesson from this crazy day.
Here is a great band called the Judybats. I really wanted to share "Being Simple," but could not get it to link, so here is "Our Story" instead:
What is it about toilets that cause toddlers to want to stick their hands in them and splash like no tomorrow? While responding to an email, and thinking that my three darlings were dancing in the next room to Ernie singing the alphabet, I started to hear a splashy noise. At first I thought that it was simply the song. The CD is new, and I was not listening too carefully.
All of a sudden, with dawning clarity, the origin of the splashity, splashing became crystal clear in my mind. How could I have missed the fact that the door to the bathroom was not actually locked, and actually, there was light pouring from the door. All THREE of my cherubs were arm deep in... TOILET WATER. Let me repeat that: all THREE were ARM deep in TOILET WATER.
After a quick scrub with lots of hot water and soap. Followed by three complete clothes and diaper changes. They are now in their bedrooms waiting for me to calm down - or finish this post, which ever comes first. I have had various requests for snacks, stickers, books, even potty runs... Are they serious?
Toilet training will be the end of me. I blame every gray hair I have found on this time in my life. I guess on the plus side, at least this does not involve a $150 call to Roto Rooter...a story for another day.
1. C asked Papa at 11 pm, "Wanna go shopping?" 2. G is very proud of himself and his new found walking feet! 3. Papa asked the girls to ask me for permission for something, annoyed I told them to ask him because he was in the room with them. So they told him, "Mama said yes!" 4. C continues to bite H, will this stop? 5. Why do the girls say only heiss for hot, but understand the word hot? This is curious!
My messy angel, Caroline, caught in a rare, quiet moment, tugged at my heart as she slumbered. I gazed upon her glowing face with a burst of maternal love. A breath caught in my throat as I wondered what beautiful dream caused the smile to dance on her cherry lips. A stream of light, awakening from its nap, illuminated the mass of golden curls that surrounded her head like a beautiful halo. It contained a luminescent glow caused by the drizzle that just changed to snow.
Yesterday was my cousin's confirmation and at the party following it, the twins were sitting on the stairs to the second floor. H had a bowl of ice cream in her lap and was eating it, when she suddenly looked at C and asked her, "Want some?" while holding out the spoon to her. Priceless and definitely an awwww... moment.
